Don’t Be Thoughtless
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Your words carry weight. When a friend is navigating the emotional rollercoaster of IVF, they may appreciate your willingness to listen far more than your attempts to offer advice.
By Anna Parker
March 4, 2022
In our eagerness to help, friends, acquaintances, and co-workers often say things that can unintentionally hurt those undergoing IVF. Just as celebrity Chrissy Teigen pointed out, asking someone if they’re pregnant can cut deeply.
Keep in mind that individuals undergoing IVF are often in a very vulnerable state. Even the most cynical person might latch onto dubious stories or advice. What might seem like a casual remark to you—like someone getting pregnant after eating a bag of purple M&Ms—could send your friend into a panic as they search for bulk purple M&Ms online.
In short, what you say can have a significant impact. Your friend might benefit more from your listening ear than from your words.
Having gone through four IVF cycles myself, I suggest you evaluate your comments with this question: Would you say something similar to a friend dealing with an unplanned pregnancy? Much of the “helpful” advice given to IVF patients can imply that they can somehow control their fertility through the right actions or thoughts.
For instance, I once heard a holistic midwife claim that “a baby is born into a relationship,” suggesting that my partner and I had unresolved issues we needed to address. While we certainly had things to work on, that wasn’t the reason for our infertility. Years later, I can’t help but wonder if this midwife would tell a client with an unwanted pregnancy that perhaps they should argue more to avoid conception.
Common Phrases to Avoid
Here are some common phrases that may seem innocent but can cause further distress for someone already experiencing enough heartache:
- “Just relax.” While your intention is to ease their anxiety, it’s almost impossible to unwind when their entire future is at stake.
- “I have a friend who knows someone who…” Please stop there. Your friend has probably heard these stories before—stories of miraculous pregnancies that often overlook the complexities of infertility.
- “Have you considered…” This usually means acupuncture, which, while beneficial, can add financial stress if not covered by insurance. It can inadvertently make your friend feel like they’re not doing enough to achieve pregnancy.
- “You have time.” Fertility naturally declines as we age, especially after 35. Each individual’s situation is unique, and simply waiting may not be a viable option.
- “You have options.” While it’s true that there are various paths to parenthood like donor eggs or adoption, your friend may not be ready to consider these alternatives yet. The desire for a biological child can be overwhelming, and they may need time to mourn their current situation.
- “If it’s meant to be, it will happen.” This phrase can come across as dismissive, especially in the face of real suffering and loss.
Supportive Alternatives
Instead, consider saying these supportive things:
- “I’m sorry you’re going through this.” Acknowledging their pain is crucial.
- “I can’t imagine how you must feel.” Validating their feelings is essential.
- “I’m here to listen.” Sometimes, just being available to talk is the most comforting thing you can do.
- “Would you like me to _____ or _____?” Offering specific help can make it easier for them to accept your support.
One of the most compassionate things I heard during my IVF journey came from a kind doctor during an embryo transfer. He paused in the middle of advising me to try not to worry, then said, “Actually, go ahead and worry all you want. It won’t make a bit of difference.” That simple, insightful comment allowed me to feel relieved of the guilt I had been carrying.
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