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It’s time to let go, but that doesn’t lessen the pain.
It’s Me, Mom
During the pandemic, my children—four tweens and teens—became my closest companions: my walking buddies, sous chefs, an audience for my corny jokes, and dancing partners while cleaning the kitchen. They were my “party” on New Year’s Eve and my Saturday night film enthusiasts. Our family’s social life revolved entirely around one another, day and night. We cozied up under piles of blankets, munching on popcorn and chocolate, creating our own little cocoon.
Then one evening last winter, my youngest, just 11, announced he was heading to bed. As I reluctantly got up from the couch to tuck him in, he said, “No, Mom. I want to say goodnight here. I don’t want you to tuck me in.” Those three brief sentences felt like a dagger to my heart. My baby, who usually showered me with goodnight kisses, instead offered me a quick peck on the forehead before darting upstairs.
That was just the beginning of the heartbreak. A few weeks later, I asked my 13-year-old daughter about our movie plans for the night. She looked at me with pity and said, “I’m really sorry, Mom, but I’d rather FaceTime my friends instead.” She gave me a quick hug and ran up to her room, leaving me reeling.
As their lives began to return to normal, I witnessed them choosing friends over family, favoring the outside world over our close-knit bubble. Don’t get me wrong—I was genuinely happy for them. It felt great that they could finally engage in the activities typical for their age. But inside, I felt a sting. Where were all my friends (the kids) going? I understood intellectually that it’s normal for adolescents to seek independence from their parents, but knowing this didn’t make the feeling any easier. It felt like my kids were breaking up with me.
But here’s the reality check: it’s not about me; it’s about them. The ultimate goal of parenting is to help our children grow into independent individuals capable of thriving on their own. All those years of effort—sleep training, potty training, school separations, swimming lessons, walking alone to the store, ordering for themselves—were leading to this moment. We have to allow our kids to separate, even if it’s painful for us.
Not only do we need to let them go, but we also have to manage our reactions so we don’t undermine all our hard work. But how can we handle the moments when they want to stop holding our hands on the way to school? Or when they ask us to drop them off two blocks away from their friends? How do we navigate this separation after the closeness of the last two years, especially when it breaks our hearts?
I’ve come up with three reminders to help me cope when it feels like my kids are breaking up with me—ways to remember that they’re my children, not my peers, and that I can still foster our connection while respecting their growing independence.
- Don’t unload our emotions onto our kids. While it’s natural to feel hurt when our kids gain independence, it’s vital to recognize this behavior as a normal part of adolescent development. We shouldn’t guilt them into choosing us over their friends. For example, when my daughter opts out of movie night, I could say, “I’m glad you’re going to chat with your friends. Let’s plan another time to watch something together.”
- Create new rituals that honor their autonomy. Even if our kids seem to be pushing us away, they still need to maintain a connection with us. Rather than retreating when they reject our offers, we should seek new ways to engage. For instance, I could tell my 11-year-old, “I appreciate you sharing how you’d like to go to bed. I’ll miss tucking you in—can we think of a new way to say goodnight?”
- Use their independence as a chance to teach constructive expression. As they strive for independence, it’s our role to help them articulate their needs thoughtfully. If their initial way of asserting independence is something like, “Leave me alone, Mom,” we can guide them toward expressing it more maturely: “Can you drop me off a few blocks from school? I want to walk in with my friends.”
As parents, we’re in this for the long haul. The ultimate sign of our success is that our children are able to break away from us. The most rewarding indication that we’ve done well is when they choose to return to us, not out of necessity, but because they genuinely want to.
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Summary
As children grow and seek independence, it can feel like they are breaking up with their parents. While it’s essential to foster their autonomy, parents can manage their emotions by reframing how they engage with their kids and creating new rituals. Understanding that this is a normal part of development can help ease the emotional pain of separation.