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“Are you planning to breastfeed?” This question became a constant refrain during my pregnancy, often feeling more like an accusation: “You wouldn’t want to harm your baby, would you?” Of course not! I was fully on board with the notion that “breast is best,” convinced that if I failed to breastfeed, I would somehow fall short as a mother, leading my baby down a path of chronic health issues and lifelong resentment.
However, my aspirations of happily feeding my newborn with an endless supply of nourishing breastmilk were shattered just four days postpartum during our first visit to the pediatrician. The doctor diagnosed my baby with “failure to thrive,” meaning she had lost weight because I wasn’t producing enough milk. I felt like an utter failure as a mother before I had even settled into this new role.
This was not the idyllic start I had envisioned for our time together. Overcome with emotion in the doctor’s office, I made it my mission to increase my milk supply, no matter the cost. Just three days after giving birth, my hormones were all over the place, my sleep was minimal, and I had just endured childbirth. My focus was solely on my baby. I reluctantly began supplementing with formula, but I was determined to provide as much breastmilk as possible from what I thought were my “useless” breasts.
I thought it was achievable because everyone around me insisted that with a little more effort, I could produce enough milk and reclaim my status as a “worthy mother.” Here are some of the extreme measures I resorted to in my quest for more milk:
- Invested $1,600 in four lactation consultants. Can you imagine how many fancy cocktails that could buy? None of them helped, and one even remarked that she admired my bravery for not getting breast implants. Seriously?
- Rented a hospital-grade pump and engaged in “power pumping” every three hours, around the clock. I pumped in front of family, in the car, and even in a Chipotle bathroom. I was so utterly exhausted from this routine that I once fainted while pumping, resulting in sore, shredded nipples (definitely not recommended).
- Tried every lactation supplement imaginable: Fenugreek, Goats Rue, Blessed Thistle, and more. All they did was cause significant constipation and smell like syrup.
- Consumed anything marketed for lactation: Milk Makers Cookies, Boobie Bars, and Boobie Lattes. They were delicious, but they didn’t help my milk supply. However, they did help me cope with my frustration.
- Attended a weekly “Breastfeeding Support Group” led by a lactation consultant who forbade the mention of the “F” word—formula.
- Took a black-market drug called “Domperidone” that is banned in the U.S. due to serious heart risks, which I purchased from a sketchy online pharmacy in Thailand. Not to mention, it caused me to gain 25 pounds and potentially jeopardized my health.
- Experimented with a “supplemental nursing system,” which was essentially a tube taped to my nipple, allowing my baby to drink formula and breastmilk simultaneously. Unfortunately, my baby treated it like a sippy cup, resulting in spilled formula everywhere.
Ultimately, none of these methods worked. As it turned out, my body just wasn’t built for high milk production. Months into my “breast or bust” mentality, I was diagnosed with “Insufficient Glandular Tissue,” meaning my breast tissue is inadequate for milk production. Rather than validating my struggle, the lactation consultant insisted I pump even more, claiming that even small amounts of breastmilk were beneficial for my baby.
Fortunately, after my diagnosis and while I was in tears, my understanding husband finally intervened. He urged me to stop breastfeeding, expressing concern for both my health and our child’s well-being. I was devastated but also relieved. I stopped battling my exhausted body, and it felt like a heavy burden had been lifted. I could finally enjoy my time with my baby and become the mother I had envisioned. I bought a bulk supply of formula and never looked back.
Looking back, I realize I longed for someone to tell me that it was perfectly fine to stop breastfeeding. That I could still be a good mom without it. If you find yourself in a similar spiral, I’m here to tell you: it’s okay to put away the pump, dismiss the mom guilt, and quit. While breast milk is valuable, being a present and happy mother is far more important. Cherish your moments with your baby. Remember, fed is best. Your relationship matters, and your mental health is vital. Grab that bottle of formula—any brand will do! Then enjoy a glass of wine because you’ve earned it! Cheers!
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Summary
In this candid narrative, Jamie Parker shares her harrowing journey of attempting to increase her milk production after giving birth. From spending thousands on lactation consultants to resorting to dangerous black-market drugs, she chronicles her struggles with a lack of support and societal pressure to breastfeed. Ultimately, with the support of her husband, she learns to prioritize her mental health, the well-being of her baby, and the importance of formula feeding, realizing that being a happy mother is what truly matters.