artificial insemination kit for humans
Updated: Feb. 20, 2024
Originally Published: March 11, 2022
As a toddler mom, you quickly learn that survival often means consuming some truly unexpected and less-than-appetizing foods. I remember a moment when a piece of green bell pepper slipped from my pizza slice and landed on my nursing baby’s head. Without hesitation, I plucked it off and popped it into my mouth, while my husband looked on, more impressed than horrified. That was the beginning of our new eating reality. We were parents now, and it was all about survival.
Fast forward to today, and that baby, who once found green peppers amusing, is now a seven-year-old with three younger siblings. Our culinary experiences have grown to include everything from dining at our favorite oyster bar to enjoying takeout chicken tikka masala on the couch. But let’s be honest: most meals come from what I like to call the Toddler Mom Menu, which features an ever-changing lineup of specials that will keep you guessing.
Appetizers:
- A yogurt cup lid, nearly licked clean, mixed berry flavor.
- A pretzel stick with all the salt removed.
- A roasted carrot piece that may or may not have touched ketchup.
- An empty plastic hotdog bun, handed to you by an excited toddler.
- Cucumber slices you never wanted, but are a safe choice since no one else is interested in them.
You won’t find the special Soup of the Day listed, but it’s a delightful blend of cereal milk—room temperature and rainbow-colored—served in a small plastic bowl without a spoon (because it fell on the floor). This seasonal dish is enhanced by the colorful addition of special Lucky Charms that emerge before St. Patrick’s Day.
Entrées:
- Crusts of seedy bread with remnants of smooth peanut butter and grape jelly.
- A cheeseburger minus the cheese and patty, with tiny bites taken out of the bun.
- A fully-loaded burrito, featuring black beans and corn salsa, which is only appealing when you’re the one eating it.
- Baked rosemary chicken, rice, and broccoli, all cut into bite-sized pieces, served cold and untouched on a divided plate.
- Whatever you can grab in the brief four minutes your toddler is content with a lime popsicle.
The entrée special for tonight is a soft flour tortilla, showcasing two bite holes, making it resemble an edible mask—perfect for some imaginative play.
Desserts:
- An ice cream sandwich, unintentionally dipped in the pool, with traces of chlorine.
- An Oreo cookie, its icing mysteriously removed.
- A blueberry that somehow blended in with a dark knot on your hardwood floor, surprisingly intact.
- The remnants of a red velvet cupcake.
- A sip of Gatorade backwash, Cool Blue flavor.
Tonight’s dessert special features a delicious mixture of crumbs, birthday cake remnants, and frosting scraped from a grocery store sheet cake tray. This tasty treat is enjoyed alone in the kitchen after all the guests have departed, while your three-year-old enthusiastically declares it the best day of their life. This dessert is the highlight of your evening.
Jamie Parker resides in Raleigh, North Carolina, where she writes and raises her little ones. Her work has been featured in publications like Flying South and Architectural Digest. Beyond family, she adores the beach, a good story, and all things that spark joy.
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