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My daughter has inherited many traits from me — my moody mornings, my unwavering love for potatoes, and an uncanny ability to detect anything spoiled within three blocks (a burden, not a blessing). Recently, I discovered she also shares my tendency to sleep talk vividly. Through the baby monitor I haven’t managed to part with yet, I catch snippets of her dream conversations: “That’s not a suitcase. It’s a baby seal.” Followed by giggles and moments later, “No, thanks, I don’t want to kiss the broccoli.”
Communication is our strong suit; we spend our days chatting about dinner plans and sharing stories about her classmates (“R.J. got into another fight with Alex!”). We bond over memories, like her first bee sting or how her dad and I met. Conversations form the core of our relationship, and naturally, during disagreements, we tend to talk them through.
Having grown up in a household where children’s opinions were overlooked, I’ve swung to the opposite extreme as a parent. When my daughter protests — whether it’s bedtime or leaving a friend’s house — my first instinct is to engage in dialogue.
I say, “It’s bedtime, sweetheart.”
“Why?”
“If you don’t sleep enough, you’ll be tired tomorrow.”
“Why?”
“Because everyone needs rest for energy.”
“Why?”
And thus begins the endless loop of questions that parents know all too well. I often observe my partner, Mark, who manages to guide her to where she needs to be with just a few words. I find myself envious of his efficiency and clarity. I ponder what it would be like to simply embrace silence for once.
Outside my role as a parent, my interactions with others are similarly driven by conversation. I often rush to fill voids, even when requests come my way. A neighbor might text me asking for help, and despite having a packed schedule, I feel compelled to say yes. In a moment of frustration, I confided in a friend, “It’s like my mouth just moves before I can stop it. I can’t help but say yes!”
“Or,” she suggested gently, “you could choose not to respond.”
“Stay silent?” I questioned, taken aback.
“Why not? What’s the worst that could happen?”
“It’d be super awkward,” I replied.
“More awkward than doing something you resent?”
This prompted me to try it. The next time someone asked me for a favor that crossed my boundaries, I simply stayed silent. It was uncomfortable; my heart raced with the awkwardness, but I held my ground. Eventually, the other person backed off. “Or, if you can’t, that’s okay too.”
Repeatedly, I found that silence was a transformative tool. It allowed others to reconsider their requests while giving me the chance to respond thoughtfully rather than with a half-hearted agreement. I’ve come to see silence not as avoidance but as a moment to pause and reflect. I wondered if it could work in parenting as effectively as it did in other areas of my life.
A few days later, while my daughter, Lily, was engrossed in The Octonauts, she suddenly cried out as the closing song played. “No, Mama, no!” she protested, her urgency palpable. My instinct was to explain why we have limits on screen time. However, I realized we’ve had this conversation many times before and decided against it. Instead of overwhelming her with words, I chose to remain silent, allowing her to express herself without interruption. I counted silently to ten, and I noticed a change in her demeanor. She took a deep breath and said, “Okay, let’s go put on our shoes.”
In that moment, silence benefited both of us; it provided Lily the space to process her emotions and practice her independence. In a world filled with constant communication, what greater comfort is there than the gift of silence? While Lily and I will continue to share conversations (and I hope she never stops her delightful sleep-talking), there will be moments where silence serves as a better tool for reflection and understanding.
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In summary, my journey to discover the power of silence as a parenting tool has been transformative. It allows for deeper understanding and reflection, providing both my daughter and me with the grace to navigate our interactions.