The Moment I Realized My Daughter Needed a Stronger Message About Consent
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I didn’t intend to, but I repeatedly conveyed to my daughter that her feelings about her own body didn’t hold much weight.
Written by Jessica Taylor
April 12, 2022
The first time I noticed my daughter, Mia, truly expressing herself was when she was about 5 years old during a neighborhood gathering in our yard. All the kids were playing in the driveway, and Mia, who was smaller than most, found herself being tossed around like a toy by the other children. It appeared to be all in good fun, and as long as she didn’t fall, I wasn’t overly worried. However, after a few minutes, she yelled, “Put me down!” and stormed inside.
Everyone stopped, looking at one another and then at me in confusion. Concerned she was hurt, I followed her into the house, searching for any signs of injury as she cried. “What’s wrong?” I asked. Through her sobs, she explained that she was tired of being picked up and didn’t want everyone touching her. “Why didn’t you just say that?” I asked, surprised. “I don’t know!” she replied. Frustrated, I told her to calm down and come back out when she was ready, but her words lingered. How could she not understand that it was okay to say no?
I later realized that Mia’s hesitation stemmed from the lack of a strong message about bodily autonomy from us as her parents. We had discussed the importance of not letting anyone touch her private areas, but we failed to explain that she had the right to refuse any form of touch. I had inadvertently set a poor example: “Go give Uncle *insert name of family friend* a hug!” or “It’s fine to sit on Santa’s lap!” I didn’t show her that her comfort mattered when it came to physical interaction.
Reflecting on this, I remembered my two decades as a classroom teacher and instances of students reacting similarly to unwanted physical contact. I thought of Lily, who, overwhelmed by classmates constantly pulling at her beautiful hair, opted for a tight bun. Or Jake, who stopped wearing his favorite cozy jacket because his friends wouldn’t stop touching it. The discomfort and frustration they felt were clear indicators of the need for body autonomy.
Recognizing that my daughter wasn’t alone in needing a positive message about consent, I decided to write a book titled How to Hug a Pufferfish. Mia’s outburst reminded me of how a pufferfish inflates its spines as a defense mechanism when threatened. Just as a pufferfish needs time to deflate, Mia required time to cool off after feeling overwhelmed. This metaphor seemed ideal to illustrate unwanted physical interactions for children. I also realized that even though our intentions might be good, like wanting to hug or show affection, true care means respecting others’ boundaries.
Mia has since become more confident in expressing her need for personal space, and I have also improved in demonstrating the body consent I want her to embrace as she grows. We practice saying things like “I need more space” or “I’m not in the mood to be touched.” Before a recent doctor’s appointment, we even discussed how she could dress to allow for an examination while still feeling comfortable. In a big step for me, I recently asked someone for permission before giving a hug! When we prioritize asking for consent and respecting others’ boundaries, our connections become much healthier.
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In summary, teaching children about consent and body autonomy is crucial for their emotional well-being and future relationships. By modeling respectful behavior and encouraging open communication, we can empower our children to advocate for their own needs confidently.