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Navigating intense emotions is a skill that children can develop, and taking a moment to pause can be an effective coping strategy.
In the past, while I was relocating, I sought advice from my therapist on establishing our new home. She offered two insightful recommendations: disperse my children’s belongings throughout the house to instill a sense of belonging everywhere, and create quiet nooks to promote healthy alone time.
Shortly after settling in, one of my children began experiencing significant mood fluctuations. At just seven or eight years old, he would sometimes become so overwhelmed that he would either withdraw or react explosively. With my background in social work, I knew the evidence surrounding timeouts was varied, but as a parent, I recognized that my son could benefit from them.
Timeouts can be detrimental when they serve solely as a form of punishment. Children require assistance in processing their strong feelings, which is undermined when they are isolated. When timeouts are perceived as a consequence for misbehavior, kids may link acting out or expressing their emotions with a fear of being alone, abandoned, or rejected. Furthermore, timeouts often last too long; experts suggest limiting them to a maximum of 3-5 minutes when used for discipline.
However, my son needed a different type of timeout—a pause from activity, a brief respite. I recognized his need for a way to calm himself down before he could reconnect with me, while also knowing I was nearby for support. Like me, he prefers not to be touched or to engage in conversation when upset. Therefore, immediate actions like hugging or forcing a discussion would hinder rather than help.
Together, we redefined what a timeout could look like, collaborating to establish conditions that allowed him to unwind and regain composure. He chose the coziest couch in the living room as his designated “timeout spot,” where he could access a box of books and art supplies. We agreed he could initiate a timeout whenever he felt the need; it was a suggestion rather than a requirement, serving as a means for rest and rejuvenation. We also decided that these timeouts should not extend indefinitely, capping them at half an hour.
Now that he’s a tween, he still utilizes timeouts. He communicates when he needs alone time, and I trust his judgment. His timeout options have broadened beyond our living room couch; sometimes he heads outside to shoot hoops or retreats upstairs to read. Occasionally, I’ll find him at his desk drawing or curled up on a couch with a view. In our household, timeouts don’t involve technology, as we haven’t found it to be a beneficial calming strategy.
When my son calls for a “timeout,” respecting that need strengthens our bond. We have both realized that choosing alone time differs greatly from being compelled to be solitary. Over time, we’ve gained insight into how long these breaks should last and how he knows when he’s ready to resume activities. He understands the nature of my discipline, which is not associated with his timeouts.
Tweens and teens face numerous stressors, often feeling drained, overstimulated, and in need of permission to unwind. Timeouts can be a valuable tool. As parents, we must communicate to our children that they can request a timeout from their busy schedules, heated discussions, or overwhelming emotions. By allowing them to call for a timeout, we foster a sense of validation and awareness of their personal health needs while equipping them with a lifelong skill.
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In summary, implementing timeouts effectively can provide older kids with the necessary tools to manage their emotions. By creating a safe space for them to regroup, parents can help their children feel more in control and supported.