Confessions
I Incentivize My Kids and I Have No Regrets
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When my children were younger, I was captivated by a parenting show that revolved around helping overwhelmed parents. The show featured a seasoned British expert named Jo Frost, who would step into homes, observe the dynamics, and provide straightforward advice to stressed-out parents trying to manage their “challenging” kids.
After putting my three kids to bed, I would often reflect on her strategies. They seemed promising, especially since I was juggling three little ones born within three years alongside a husband who frequently worked late. One episode left a lasting impression on me: a mother of three who felt completely overwhelmed. Clips of her children ignoring her requests played, while Frost insisted that negotiation was unacceptable. No bribery allowed, she said; the only way to regain control was through strict consequences for disobedience.
A few days later, however, I found myself at the doctor’s office with my husband and kids. Each of us was carrying a child, and our oldest was darting around, refusing to get on the elevator. “If you get on the elevator with us, you can have a lollipop!” my husband suggested. We were both at our wit’s end after only a few minutes in that office.
“Don’t negotiate with him!” I exclaimed, taking a stand as if I were on my soapbox. My husband looked at me in disbelief; it was obvious I had shifted our parenting approach without consulting him first. Ultimately, our oldest got onto the elevator and complied for the remainder of the visit, only to remind us of the promised lollipop afterward. I handed it to him, feeling defeated.
According to that parenting expert, this is how children learn to manipulate and take charge in the household. This approach supposedly leads to raising a child who knows no boundaries and becomes a master manipulator. So, I tried to cut back on incentivizing my kids. I threatened to take away dessert or storytime if they didn’t obey. But more often than not, my attempts ended in chaos. Kids tend to get carried away and would rather skip a cookie or story than miss out on racing through the grocery store aisle.
Eventually, I set my pride aside and honed my skills in incentivizing because I was simply exhausted. But let’s face it: incentivizing works. Kids are much more likely to cooperate when they know there’s a delightful reward waiting for them at the end. Offering a positive incentive for good behavior rather than a punishment for bad behavior is a far more effective strategy to make life smoother.
I started using incentives wherever possible: on long road trips, visits to the library, or when hosting guests. I offered extra screen time, treats, or a cozy sleepover in my room. It worked wonders, making life much more manageable with three toddlers. If they didn’t hold up their end of the deal, I would revoke the reward, and it didn’t take long for them to understand I was serious. Even though I pictured that parenting expert wagging her finger at me, I stopped caring. She wasn’t the one living my life.
Now that they are teenagers, I still utilize my old incentive tactics. I promise my teenage daughter a Starbucks if she assists me with grocery shopping, and I give my son some cash to go out with friends if he keeps my car clean. Plus, I reward them for good grades.
In my experience as a parent, incentivizing has been a reliable ally. It worked wonders when they were younger, and it continues to be effective now that they are teens. Everyone deserves a little treat for overcoming challenges, including me. After a tough workout, I enjoy a Coke Zero as a reward, and it helps motivate me to tackle chores like cleaning the bathrooms. Believe me, as a mom who tried to avoid incentivizing: just embrace it. Your life will be so much easier.
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In summary, incentivizing my kids has proven to be an effective parenting strategy that simplifies life and encourages cooperation. Whether they are toddlers or teens, a little reward goes a long way in motivating good behavior. It’s a pragmatic approach that works for everyone involved.