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I walked into my then 10-year-old daughter’s room to say goodnight and found her curled up like a pretzel on her pink polka-dot duvet, sobbing uncontrollably. Her face was a patchwork of red and blotches, and her eyelids were puffy. “Oh sweetheart, what’s the matter?” I asked in a panic. With wild eyes, she exclaimed—something I’ll never forget—“I don’t know! I just can’t stop crying!” Suddenly, her hiccups transformed into laughter, tears streaming down her cheeks for a completely different reason. I handed her a glass of water and hugged her, utterly bewildered by the emotional whirlwind I had just witnessed.
This was just one episode among many during her turbulent tween years. Sometimes her tears erupted into ear-splitting screams; other times, she would request I lie beside her on her tiny bed, seeking comfort in my presence or asking me to sing her a lullaby. The unpredictability was overwhelming, yet I felt grateful when she could express what she needed from me; being unable to help was far too distressing. As I rubbed her back or stroked her hair, I often longed for a moment to myself, daydreaming about the glass of wine waiting for me or the new book sitting on the coffee table. After a long day, I was depleted and craved a breather. But how could I leave her? She looked to me, exhausted from whatever emotional storm had just engulfed her, her red eyes pleading for my presence.
I understood these mood swings were typical of puberty. Having navigated my own hormonal roller coaster, I was familiar with the monthly cycle of irritability and discontent. My poor daughter, not yet a teenager, was grappling with the unpredictable waves of estrogen, and I felt like her emotional dumping ground. It was as if there was a hormonal hierarchy, and I was the chosen recipient of her emotional outpouring. What was I supposed to do? Abandon her to face her feelings alone? Absolutely not. Stay in her room all night? Definitely not. I had to strike a balance.
Four Ways to Support Your Tween
I discovered four small ways to support my daughter while still caring for my own needs:
- Normalize. I needed her to understand that experiencing overwhelming emotions during the tween and teen years is perfectly normal, even if the reasons remain unclear. It can be frightening for kids to sob without knowing why or feel intense anger without a clear trigger. These emotions may resurface later in life, during pregnancy, menstruation, or menopause, so it’s essential to normalize the experience. Our job is to help them recognize that hormonal fluctuations can lead to unpredictable feelings but that these episodes are temporary.
- Breathe. When our children are overwhelmed with sadness or anger, guiding them to breathe can help quell their emotional chaos. However, if we simply tell them to “take deep breaths,” they may react with irritation. Instead, we can practice co-regulation: by taking deep breaths ourselves, we create a calming atmosphere that may encourage them to join in. Even if they don’t catch on, our own breathing will help stabilize us amidst the turmoil.
- Don’t Solve. As parents, our instinct is often to fix our children’s pain. Witnessing their hurt is deeply upsetting, and our immediate reaction is to resolve it. However, when their emotions stem from hormonal shifts, there’s no fixing it—only sitting with it. This may feel unsatisfying, but it’s a reality we must accept as our tweens navigate puberty. We can teach them coping strategies, but we cannot solve the emotional storms.
- Set Limits. This is crucial for our well-being. I avoided using the term self-care because this is about survival. We must establish boundaries regarding how much time and energy we can devote to them during these emotional episodes. If we fail to recharge, we won’t be able to tackle the parenting circus the next day. Being specific about the time we can spend helps avoid prolonged negotiations. For example, I might say, “I’ll sit with you for 10 minutes, then I’m going to read my book. I’ll check on you in an hour.” (And I must follow through on that hour.)
And if all else fails, crank up some of your favorite tunes—either it will lift everyone’s spirits, or your child might just kick you out of her room.
Julia Sutherland is the co-host of The Puberty Podcast, founder of Empowering Girls, a company focused on sports and puberty education, and author of the Parenting Insights Newsletter. You can follow her on Instagram @julia_sutherland.
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Summary
Navigating the emotional turbulence of a tween’s hormonal shifts can be challenging. Understanding, normalizing, and breathing through these moments are key strategies for parents. While it’s natural to want to solve our children’s problems, it’s often more important to simply be present and set boundaries to maintain our own well-being.