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Parenting
By Laura Thompson
Updated: Feb. 20, 2024
Originally Published: May 16, 2022
Recently, I took my daughter, Mia, to the gym with me. She had been working out in our small home gym with limited equipment and was eager to try out the weight machines. When she asked if her friend could join, I agreed—fully aware that I would have to resist the urge to remind her of her long-standing desire to use the equipment independently, rather than spend the entire time chatting.
As I feared, the scenario unfolded just as I imagined: Mia stood beside her friend while she experimented with the weight machines, rather than using them herself. After about thirty minutes, Mia finally started to work out on her own, but she only followed her friend’s lead, using the machines only after her friend had finished. Instead of embracing the opportunity she had been so excited about for months, she hung back and let her friend take the reins. I had to keep my thoughts on how much better she might have fared if her friend hadn’t come, to myself.
Mia has never been one to take charge; she’s much more comfortable following the crowd. In contrast, I’ve always been independent, unbothered by the opinions of others. I can easily dine alone, strike up conversations with strangers, and try out new trends that others might shy away from. I struggle to understand why she finds these experiences difficult, and I’m learning to be patient with her.
Time and again, I’ve seen Mia retreat when anyone tries to encourage her to step outside her comfort zone. She prefers to blend in, whether it’s dressing like her friends or participating in activities they choose. If a classmate shows up in a purple dress, she insists on having one. If her best friend decides she dislikes dresses, so does Mia. Likewise, when many girls in her class took up lacrosse, Mia joined in.
What I’ve come to realize is that Mia needs to observe something being done before she feels comfortable trying it herself. She seeks a sense of safety in her choices, often relying on the presence of friends to venture into new activities. Even when she’s perfectly capable of excelling in sports, the spotlight holds no appeal for her. She doesn’t enjoy being photographed or the center of attention, and big birthday celebrations are not her thing. As her mother, I strive to strike a balance. I want her to think independently, make her own choices, and develop her own sense of autonomy, yet I also recognize the discomfort she experiences when encouraged to be more assertive. When I push her to be louder or more independent, it often leads to tears and withdrawal. Instead of engaging, like at the gym, she ends up doing nothing.
Trying to reshape her into someone she’s not doesn’t work for either of us, and it certainly doesn’t benefit our relationship. I want her to have her own voice, but I realize that I can’t teach her to stand up for herself by imposing my idea of leadership upon her. It’s about nurturing her individuality—not forcing her to adopt my voice. I’ve learned to ask her how she feels about different situations. And the truth is, she knows what she enjoys. She has a passion for animals, dedicating countless hours to volunteering at the animal shelter. We often visit pet stores together, and she follows several farming and animal-related groups online, which provide her with peace. She takes responsibility for her own pets, so why would I urge her to pursue something that doesn’t bring her joy?
Last night, Mia joined me at the gym again. This time, she confidently did her own thing. Perhaps it helped that it was just the two of us, without a friend around. I also realize that if I had questioned her previous behavior, she might have been discouraged from returning to the gym altogether. Parenting isn’t about molding our children into someone they’re not; it’s about honoring their true selves and helping them listen to their instincts to make their own decisions.
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Summary:
In this article, Laura Thompson reflects on her challenges as a parent to her daughter, Mia, who is markedly different from her in personality and preferences. As Mia navigates her own path, often preferring to follow rather than lead, Laura learns to accept and support her daughter’s individuality. The journey emphasizes the importance of nurturing a child’s unique voice and encouraging them to make their own choices without imposing one’s own expectations.