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I often receive compliments about how I maintain a tidy home despite having four young children. At first, it feels like a compliment, but then I find myself feeling embarrassed. I usually respond, “Oh, don’t be impressed; it’s just a visible manifestation of my anxiety disorder.”
My home is never cluttered. Toys don’t pile up on surfaces, art projects are promptly put away, and couch forts rarely survive the night. Instead of one big clean-up at the end of the day, I engage in countless small tidying sessions throughout the day. This behavior stems from my anxiety, which makes it hard to relax and let my kids play freely. Instead of fostering creativity, I often treat their play area like a curated exhibit. Sometimes, I even interrupt their fun to tidy up when the chaos becomes overwhelming, disrupting our shared moments of joy.
My need to clean is driven by a need to manage my anxiety. This compulsion extends beyond just cleaning; I find myself excessively overseeing their activities out of fear of potential dangers. My mind races with safety concerns, whether they’re playing at the park or walking through a parking lot. I remember a time when my mother and I took my two young sons for a walk. When my three-year-old spotted a dirt pile, I panicked. My mom asked why I was so worried, and I told her, “It’s because I’m always worried about death.” She was surprised that such a rational person would have such intense fears. Yet, that’s where my anxiety leads me—constantly worrying about keeping my children safe.
As a result, I frequently find myself glued to my phone, checking messages and updating my calendar in an attempt to regain control over my racing thoughts. This habit only reinforces my anxiety and teaches my children that my phone is more important than our time together. I struggle to adopt the “I’ll deal with that later” mindset that so many of my friends seem to master. Interruption is a common occurrence for us; whenever anxiety strikes, my thoughts shift abruptly to whatever responsibility or worry has surfaced.
Even when I am physically present—watching a game or playing with toys—my mind often drifts to planning and problem-solving. I find myself losing patience with my kids, snapping at them out of stress and distraction. It’s like a relentless game of pinball in my head, leaving me feeling out of control. Sometimes, it feels impossible to enjoy these moments with my children, and I resent my anxiety for taking away my focus and joy.
I’m actively working on managing my anxiety better. I’m trying to leave the “mess” for longer periods instead of cleaning up every time my kids step away. I’m also attempting to limit my phone usage by keeping it in another room, although I still wear my smartwatch for notifications. I’ve started practicing the “tapping method” recommended by my therapist, even though it feels awkward. Mostly, I’m focusing on being aware of how my anxiety pulls me away from precious moments with my kids, hoping that recognizing it will help me implement better coping strategies. I’m tired of letting my anxiety dictate my experiences, and I know my kids are too.
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Summary:
Navigating anxiety while raising children is a constant struggle for many parents. The pressure to maintain a clean and safe environment can lead to interruptions in family moments, stemming from deeper concerns about safety and control. By recognizing these patterns, parents can work towards healthier coping mechanisms, allowing for more enjoyable interactions with their children.