artificial insemination kit for humans
So much clutter
My Partner Finally Tidied Up His Water Bottles, and It Might Be My Ultimate Turn-On
I can easily be charmed simply by you putting your stuff away. by Sarah Thompson
This is a tale about the everyday struggles of domestic life, or how I almost met my demise under an avalanche of water bottles. One bright afternoon, I was simply daydreaming about how I could achieve a look like that of a glamorous celebrity if only I stayed hydrated, as the beauty influencers often advise. So, I reached for a S’well bottle, awkwardly perched on the highest shelf of an overcrowded cabinet. The moment I swung the cabinet door open, a cascade of water bottles tumbled down, smacking my head with a series of cartoon-like thuds, reminiscent of a Saturday morning cartoon where the villain is left dazed with stars swirling around. There were countless bottles that my partner had gathered over our ten years together—plastic, metal, and even one unfortunate glass bottle—all hoarded from sweaty outings at the zoo, resort vacations with overly chlorinated water, and a multitude of mundane B2B conferences where lifeless marketers toss branded swag at you as you walk by.
The water bottle avalanche was painful—very painful. I yelped. Quite loudly, I might add. “There’s too much junk in this house!”
My partner dashed to my side, clearly alarmed by my melodious yelp. “Are you alright?”
I lay sprawled on the floor like a starfish. “Do I look alright? I’m concussed. You need to sort through your stuff.”
“Fine,” he replied.
“I mean now. Otherwise, I’m seriously considering moving.”
Thanks to fast shipping and our mutual dread of navigating this outrageous housing market, a solution was found. My partner acquired several water bottle organizers that could hold up to 12 bottles neatly, calming my frayed nerves (though they did nothing for the sizeable bump I was still nursing). He purged the excess bottles, even the ones from our wild post-college days when we’d fill them with vodka before heading to concerts. Truly, an era had ended.
When he unveiled the immaculately organized water bottle cabinet, I almost cried. I felt an overwhelming urge to seduce him right there on the floor, surrounded by bottles, whispering enticingly, “You’ve been watching The Home Edit, haven’t you?” Afterward, we’d hydrate like civilized adults. This, after all, is what they mean when they say “through thick and thin,” right? Or perhaps we should revise that vow to: “through ridiculously trivial household dramas and everything else.”
Marriage isn’t always glamorous. In fact, it’s almost never glamorous, and anyone who suggests otherwise is likely a celebrity or someone who married the first person that flashed an Ivy League degree. In these decidedly unglamorous moments, you rely on comfort, familiarity—and love, of course. As the lesser-known verse from 1 Corinthians suggests: Love perseveres.
Or, more realistically, solid marriages are built on one essential thing: a credit card capable of purchasing random items that can nudge two people toward marital bliss.
Here are a few products, aside from the water bottle organizer, that have helped rescue my marriage:
Item #1: Sleep Apnea Machine
You haven’t known true frustration until you’ve shared a bed with someone whose snoring is so loud it jolts you from dreams of your ideal partner. The only way around this is to hook your lumberjack up to a gurgling machine that resembles a sci-fi prop. Sure, you might find yourself buying distilled water by the gallon, and he might endure some nosebleeds from the contraption, but it’s worth it. Marital peace hinges on the ability to dream about someone else while sleeping soundly next to your spouse.
Item #2: Kindle for Spicy Romance Novels
If dashing dukes aren’t quite your thing, and you’re in the mood to seduce your partner, a spicy romance novel can help set the scene. With everything from passionate encounters to fantastical adventures, you’ll find yourself in the mood and ready to rekindle the romance. Plus, if you need to maintain your wholesome image (looking at you, Karen with the judgmental looks), a Kindle allows for discreet reading—especially with Kindle Unlimited, where the truly steamy stories await. Best $9.99 you’ll ever spend.
Item #3: Back Scratcher
When in love, promises abound: loyalty, fidelity, and of course, limitless back scratches. The first time my partner refused to scratch my back during a show was a betrayal I felt deeply. To avoid such disappointments, invest in a back scratcher (or foot massager, if that’s your thing). Unlike a partner, these handy tools can be stashed away when they’re not needed.
Item #4: Poo-Pourri
This one is self-explanatory. If you don’t find this obvious, you might be living with an alien who doesn’t engage in regular human excretion.
Item #5: A Big-Screen TV for the Basement
You can convince yourself it’s for “family movie night”; there’s no judgment here. Use that credit card wisely and find the biggest TV that will leave everyone wondering what you’re trying to prove. When installed in the basement next to a fold-out couch, it becomes the perfect escape for him when you need peace and quiet, especially during sports games.
Item #6: Nespresso Machine
For parents, late nights are inevitable. When one partner is up with the baby, the other often gets a fitful sleep. To avoid any morning grumpiness or grievances, a reliable coffee machine is essential. Skip the complicated gadgets and opt for a machine that does the work for you. Just remember to refill the water afterward—nothing ignites domestic disputes like an empty water tank.
And if you’re seeking more marriage tips, consider joining my upcoming seminar on purchasing your way to a happy marriage, where I’ll offer you a timeshare you can’t afford in exchange for stale pastries and awkwardly personal stories about my relationship.
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In summary, it turns out that tidying up even the most mundane items like water bottles can reignite passion and bring a sense of order to chaos. A combination of clever purchases and a bit of humor can go a long way in maintaining marital bliss.