How White Parents Can Discuss the N-Word with Their Children

It’s a topic many parents might find uncomfortable, but it’s undeniably important to address.

By Alex Johnson
Updated: Feb. 20, 2024
Originally Published: July 15, 2022

Growing up in a predominantly white community and attending mostly white schools, I was shielded from many realities of racism, including the n-word. I distinctly remember a class discussion about Mark Twain’s use of it in The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, but that context felt distant and academic — a conversation about a word steeped in controversy, penned by a white author.

Another privilege I recognized was that my white children would never have to hear that word used as a racial slur against them. This led me to believe I could postpone discussions about it until they were older, perhaps during teenage years, when they might watch a documentary or visit a historical site.

However, the moment came sooner than expected. While walking hand-in-hand with my five-year-old daughter, she innocently asked, “Mommy, what’s the n-word?” After clarifying that it wasn’t “nuts,” I awkwardly explained its connection to racism and violence, which seemed to deter her from using it. Now that she’s eight, I reflect on that moment and realize I could have done better.

I’m not an expert on the n-word, but as a white parent, I have a responsibility to educate my kids about racism and privilege. We owe it to them to understand the significance of such a powerful and painful term.

While five years old may seem too early to discuss a word tied to so much suffering, consider that Ruby Bridges faced the n-word at the age of six while desegregating a school. Our children deserve to understand its implications, especially since their Black peers must navigate this reality daily.

Scholar Ibram X. Kendi, author of How to Be an Antiracist, emphasizes the importance of these conversations. Avoiding them only allows children to form potentially racist ideas from other sources. To help white parents address this sensitive subject, I consulted with educators who provided valuable insights.

Utilize Teachable Moments

Tayo Enna, a kindergarten teacher and anti-racist workshop facilitator, shared a story of a student using the n-word casually. By discussing its impact, the student realized that its use was not harmless. Parents can learn from this example and seize opportunities to address the n-word when it arises in context.

Encourage Empathy

While Enna refrains from introducing the n-word to young children, he emphasizes the importance of empathy. Helping kids understand how others might feel when faced with hurtful language can create meaningful connections across diverse backgrounds.

Discuss the Word’s Violent History

Khalid White, a professor of African American studies, stresses the need to explain the n-word’s deep historical roots linked to slavery and systemic oppression. Children should grasp that this term carries a legacy of violence and dehumanization.

Clarify Context and Relationships

Children often wonder why they hear Black individuals using the n-word. Enna suggests explaining that certain words are reserved for specific relationships. Just as children wouldn’t call someone else’s parent “Mom” or “Dad,” the n-word is similarly contextual.

Avoid Viewing the Word as a Historical Relic

It’s essential to convey that the n-word is not merely an artifact of the past. Children need to understand its ongoing relevance and the pain it continues to inflict.

Offer Alternatives

White suggests substituting the n-word with terms like “slave” when discussing historical texts. This approach can help children comprehend why the term is hurtful and how to navigate it responsibly.

Reiterate There Are No Exceptions

If children hear friends using the n-word, they might feel pressured to join in. Parents should challenge this mindset by encouraging empathy and understanding the potential impact on others.

The conversations around this word and its implications are crucial. In a society that often defaults to silence on race, it’s our duty to engage our children in these discussions.

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In summary, it’s vital for white parents to engage their children in discussions about the n-word and its implications. By doing so, we can nurture a more empathetic and informed generation that understands the weight of their words.