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When my former husband and I announced our decision to divorce, people who had never experienced a separation often asked the same question: “Are you going to try to fix things?” The truth is, we had tried—repeatedly. I was too drained to recount all the efforts we made, so I let others believe what they wanted. I needed to conserve my energy for myself, my family, my job, and my own mental well-being.
No couple walks down the aisle thinking, “This will only last a few years before we part ways.” They genuinely believe in their vows and want their marriage to succeed. Divorce is something no one anticipates for themselves. You build a life together, often have children, and share dreams and finances. This connection doesn’t vanish overnight after an argument over something trivial.
There are numerous reasons couples end their marriages, but it’s crucial to understand that divorce is never an impulsive choice. It exists in a complex gray area; you often become skilled at ignoring the inner voice that tells you that something is wrong and that you deserve a happier life.
For us, the unraveling began a decade before we finally separated. Ten years—an entire decade spent clinging to a relationship that had become increasingly strained. Initially, we believed it was just a phase. I was worn out caring for our children, while he was drained from work. Our intimacy faded, followed closely by our friendship. We didn’t want to acknowledge the truth—we fought often and had lost our closeness, so we pressed on, making things worse over time.
Eventually, we confronted our unhappiness. We played the blame game. He felt I didn’t show him enough affection, while I thought he prioritized his job over us. I resented his weekend getaways, and he felt overwhelmed as the primary provider. With three kids born within three years, I opted not to work, knowing most of my earnings would go to daycare—something he didn’t want either.
When he had time off, he often chose activities that interested him. He made decisions about vacations without considering my preferences. I longed for shared experiences like cooking together or family outings, but he considered those expenses unnecessary, often bringing home another boat for his sailing hobby.
Neither of us felt appreciated or understood, leading to mutual frustration. Then, he had an affair and confessed after a month. He expressed regret, stating that the lack of intimacy was a driving factor. He claimed she didn’t mean anything to him, but she offered the excitement and attention he craved. Meanwhile, I was left feeling devastated. I understood their connection—she was carefree and didn’t juggle household responsibilities or kids.
Despite my heartbreak, I stayed in the marriage for the sake of my children. The thought of sharing custody was unbearable. I still had love for my husband, but I knew I wasn’t in love with him anymore. It wasn’t fair to either of us.
Eventually, we shifted to merely existing together, hoping to hold off our separation until our children were older. I couldn’t envision a future without them and neither could he. We had drifted so far apart that the divide felt insurmountable. Most days, we didn’t even like each other, and any spark of attraction had long disappeared.
I clung to my children, but he reached a breaking point. One evening, after he’d spent a weekend away, we agreed to separate. I can still recall him saying, “The writing is on the wall. I was gone all weekend, and I could tell you weren’t even glad when I came home.” That moment marked my release. I realized that the past decade had been a struggle, and I had no more fight left in me. I wanted happiness and peace—both for myself and for him, who truly deserves joy.
As we move forward, it’s essential to find support and resources during such challenging times. For more insights on home insemination, check out this post. Additionally, for those looking to enhance their fertility journey, Make a Mom offers valuable information and supplements. If you’re seeking guidance on pregnancy and home insemination, Kindbody is an excellent resource.
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Summary:
Growing apart from a spouse is a gradual and complex process, filled with emotional turmoil and unspoken frustrations. Over a decade, a couple may struggle to maintain their connection, often leading to feelings of resentment and discontent. Despite efforts to salvage the relationship, circumstances can culminate in separation, highlighting the need for self-care and understanding throughout this challenging journey.