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So Relaxing
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I didn’t truly grasp how much support I required until I finally received it.
By Emily Johnson
August 29, 2022
Johner Images/Johner Images Royalty-Free/Getty Images
After returning from a week-long family getaway, I was left reflecting on an eye-opening experience. My partner and I, along with our four children—each under nine—ventured to a picturesque lakeside retreat in New Hampshire with my parents, brother, and sister-in-law. Initially, I was doubtful, fearing we might need breaks from each other and some off-site activities to keep the kids entertained. However, I was pleasantly surprised; it turned out to be an enchanting and rejuvenating vacation that I hadn’t realized I desperately needed.
Amidst the chaos of raising four children, I’ve been yearning for another baby since my last was born. I’ve been grappling with profound grief over the realization that I’m done expanding my family, wrestling with the emotional tug-of-war that comes with this decision. My longing for another child seems rooted in my difficulty envisioning happiness beyond this current chapter. I can’t picture a joyful future without tiny hands reaching for me throughout the day. I navigate the daily grind of drop-offs, pick-ups, tantrums, diaper changes, and sports practices, convincing myself that I could handle even more. I do this not just to sidestep my grief but also because I genuinely believe it. Life with four little ones is wild, chaotic, and exhausting, but I wouldn’t have said I was overwhelmed—until I experienced a week of unparalleled adult support.
As a stay-at-home mom, I often feel guilty asking for assistance. There’s a nagging voice in my head that insists I should be able to manage everything since I’m not working outside the home full-time. I can also become a bit self-righteous, trying to prove my capability in handling the madness alone. But a week of abundant parenting support? That was a game-changer. I’m accustomed to fleeting help—perhaps a morning or a full day—but a week? Seven days in a spacious home with my kids and six eager, loving adults. My father entertained the kids with their LOL Surprise Dolls and Barbies each morning, my brother and sister-in-law spent hours on the lake, and my mother took long walks with the stroller while whipping up countless grilled cheese sandwiches. And guess what I did? I relaxed. I lounged on the deck, stretched out on the couch, and drifted on the lake. I soaked in the hot tub, enjoyed long showers, and read three books. I finally caught my breath, and it felt glorious.
What’s that saying about not seeing the forest for the trees? That perfectly captures my situation. Parenting is so all-consuming that it often obscures the reality of how overwhelmed you are. But with a little distance, it became clear: I am tired, overwhelmed, and perhaps even a bit burnt out. While I often tell myself that my greatest joy comes from spending time with my kids, those moments of solitude on a pool float with a good book were incredibly refreshing.
Now, I’m working on offering myself more grace. I’m celebrating my wins and allowing myself to feel no guilt when the workload becomes too much. This journey is challenging, and I’m exhausted. I’m going to actively seek help—even when the purpose is simply to carve out some relaxation time for myself. I deserve it, and I need it; there’s no shame in acknowledging that. When I contemplate a future without babies or toddlers, which fills me with anxiety and loneliness, I’ll remember how blissful it felt to lounge alone on that lake.
Perhaps there is happiness to be found beyond this current phase—with a little less chaos and a bit more tranquility. I truly hope so.
Emily Johnson is a former lawyer and a mother of four who often finds herself swearing. You can find her on Instagram @emilyjohnson.
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Summary:
After a week-long family vacation, I discovered how much I needed help and support as a stay-at-home mom. Initially hesitant, I found the experience to be rejuvenating, revealing how overwhelmed and burnt out I had become. This realization led me to embrace the idea of asking for help and allowing myself more grace, as I navigate the challenges of parenting four children.