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- How to Disrupt Generational Patterns & Why It Matters for Your Children
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Often referred to as generational “curses” or “cycles,” these are negative patterns of thoughts, beliefs, actions, behaviors, or attitudes that are handed down through families.
If your goal is to be the best parent possible, you’ve likely contemplated how to approach parenting differently than your own parents did. Even the most caring parents make a variety of mistakes over time, and it can be surprisingly easy to replicate generational cycles (sometimes called generational “curses”) without even realizing it.
According to Dr. Maya Rivers, a psychologist based in Chicago, even if you’re not passing along a cycle of overt physical or emotional abuse, intergenerational trauma can still be transmitted unknowingly.
What is Intergenerational Trauma and How Does It Show Up?
Each person copes with trauma and stress in unique ways, often shaped by the experiences they observed during their formative years. When individuals become parents, it’s common for these cycles to persist. Dr. Rivers explains, “Intergenerational trauma includes the effects that can be experienced by those who live with individuals that have encountered trauma. Patterns of coping and adapting in response to trauma can be inherited from one generation to the next.”
Reactions — whether it’s the instinct to shout, cry, or withdraw — are often rooted in emotional experiences from childhood, which in turn become the tools for coping that you rely on to feel safe. For example, if you grew up in a household where conflict was handled through shouting, you may have learned to withdraw in those situations. It’s easy to see how this coping mechanism can carry into your own parenting, especially in moments of confrontation.
The issue arises when you start managing situations within your family in the same manner — and often, these patterns can be quite subtle. “A common way generational patterns manifest is in how parents handle their own frustration and that of their children, along with their approaches to conflict,” Dr. Rivers notes. “For instance, some adults have adopted ‘conflict avoidance’ from their parents. This can tempt them to repeat this with their own children by not allowing them to express negative emotions.”
Alternatively, if your parents were expressive about negative feelings, you might find yourself unconsciously replicating this pattern by raising your voice or showing frustration inappropriately around your children.
Both avoidance and overexpression are key ways generational cycles persist, Dr. Rivers emphasizes. “If you notice yourself avoiding conflict or expressing anger excessively, these could be subtle indicators,” she adds, though she also points out that experiencing frustration occasionally is normal and acceptable for parents.
How Can You Break the Cycle?
Recognizing the need to break the cycle is an excellent first step, indicating self-awareness about the potentially unhealthy dynamics inherited from your childhood. Much of this transformative work will need to come from you and any other caregivers involved in your children’s lives. Dr. Rivers states, “Dismantling a generational cycle requires altering behavioral responses and communication styles to make them more adaptable. This shift also involves adopting more effective coping strategies—like practicing breathing techniques when faced with conflict instead of resorting to yelling.”
While developing healthy coping and communication skills can be challenging, it is invaluable for your own well-being and that of your family. “It’s crucial to model emotional regulation for your children, so they learn effective strategies for managing emotions, communicating, and coping with stress,” Dr. Rivers explains. “This doesn’t have to be done perfectly — parents already face enough pressure — but aiming to be a role model in these areas will equip children with valuable skills for their future families.”
Breaking these patterns is a demanding process. If you find it overwhelming, seeking therapy can be beneficial. Remember, reaching out for help doesn’t indicate that something is wrong with you — everyone deserves support!
We all need a safe space to express our emotions, including the messy ones. Therapy can provide that nonjudgmental environment where you can process your feelings freely.
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Summary:
Breaking generational cycles is vital for fostering healthy family dynamics. Recognizing these patterns, understanding their origins, and actively working to change behaviors can help create a healthier environment for children. Seeking support through therapy can also provide essential tools for navigating this challenging process.