Dedicated to my beloved family.
As a pediatrician, I often reflect on the anxieties that come with parenting. My grandfather, whom I fondly refer to as Lou, was known for his obsessive nature. I suspect my own children may one day echo similar sentiments about me. A vivid memory illustrates this: I was a third-year medical student in Manhattan when Lou called me at 4 a.m. to check on my safety after hearing about a ferry accident. This kind of vigilance, while perhaps excessive, highlights the anxiety that often accompanies parenthood.
As our children grew, I began to understand Lou’s perspective on the world as a perilous place, especially for children. As I reminisced with my kids about their childhood, they shared humorous anecdotes that we now refer to as “Greenfield’s Guidelines for Order.” Here’s a look at some of the more notable principles:
- The “5 Chip Limit” Rule: Acknowledging that tortilla chips are both unhealthy and filling, I instituted a limit of five chips per child before meals. In hindsight, I may have been too stringent; perhaps ten chips would have sufficed.
- The “4-Minute Hot Tub” Rule: Studies suggest that prolonged exposure to heat during male development can affect fertility. Thus, I mandated that our boys exit the hot tub every four minutes to cool off. This rule extended to my daughter as well, making it a family affair.
- The “Laptops Are Not for Your Lap” Rule: Concerns about potential health risks from prolonged laptop use on laps prompted me to disallow this practice altogether.
- The “3-Foot Computer Monitor” Rule: Drawing from the idea that sitting too close to the TV could harm our eyes, I arranged our children’s computer stations so that monitors were set three feet away from their faces.
- The “Cell Phone Headset” Rule: Alarmed by reports linking cell phone use to brain cancer, I strongly encouraged the use of headsets for all phone calls.
- The “Wires Are Safer Than Wireless” Rule: While the world transitioned to wireless technology, our household remained committed to hardwired connections to minimize exposure to potentially harmful radiation.
- The “Volvo” Rule: Safety first! Our children drove older, sturdy Volvos, which I believe offered better protection than flashier vehicles.
- The “8 Hours Sleep or You Don’t Drive” Rule: I emphasized the importance of sleep, equating inadequate rest with impaired driving abilities.
- The “Family Dinner” Rule: Family meals were non-negotiable, serving as a time for bonding, even if it meant awkward encounters with friends.
- The “2½ Hour Airport Rule”: Before and after September 11, we adhered to a strict two-and-a-half-hour check-in time for flights, which ultimately saved us from missing a critical flight during a security breach.
While my children occasionally mocked these rules, they also recognized their value, often asking, “What would Dad do?” when faced with tough decisions. I hope they carry some of these lessons into their own families.
As they embark on their parenting journeys, I look forward to seeing how they apply these guidelines to their children, perhaps even echoing the importance of safety in the realm of home insemination, as discussed in our other blog posts like this one and this authority source. For more information on pregnancy and home insemination, I recommend this excellent resource: MedlinePlus.
In summary, while my rules may have seemed excessive at times, they were driven by a protective instinct. As I look ahead to the time when my children have their own kids, I hope to share in their parenting experiences, ready to offer guidance—especially if the Staten Island Ferry comes up again!