Navigating the complexities of motherhood can take many forms, and each journey is unique. When I shared that my son was adopted from Ethiopia, one acquaintance exclaimed, “You didn’t try IVF???” My response was a firm no; I hadn’t pursued any fertility treatments after experiencing three painful miscarriages. After such trauma, what more was there to attempt?
My previous doctor, whose professionalism left much to be desired, referred me to a Women’s Reproductive Clinic for extensive testing. He sat there, hands folded, shaking his head as he stated, “I don’t doubt you will get pregnant. You just may need some help.” This comment lingered in my mind. My husband, Jake, and I had decided at the age of 27 that we were ready to start a family. I had entered that same doctor’s office eager to know how to conceive. “Have a lot of sex,” he had advised, a suggestion that seemed straightforward enough at the time.
However, after three miscarriages, and countless tests and procedures, I was left feeling defeated and uncertain. The cycle of hope and despair was exhausting. I was at a crossroads, contemplating whether I even wanted to pursue pregnancy anymore. After receiving a hefty referral packet for the clinic, filled with medical history forms and test options, I was overwhelmed. The imagery of beaming mothers with babies made me feel worse.
The packet sat untouched on our coffee table for months. I would occasionally ask Jake, “Should we finish filling this out?” and he would respond with a nonchalant, “Not now…maybe later.” Eventually, I asked, “Are we going to go ahead with tests and start this process?” This prompted a long-overdue discussion. We both recognized that moving forward could lead to a baby but also bring immense stress and the possibility of discovering one of us had fertility issues. The uncertainty was daunting.
Ultimately, we decided to walk away from that path. After tossing the packet, I felt an immediate sense of relief. “So, shall we explore adoption?” I proposed. “Sounds good,” Jake replied. His few words conveyed an eagerness that reassured me. Adoption had always been a topic of discussion between us. I recalled asking him about it when we first started dating, to which he responded positively.
When the adoption agency’s packet arrived, we immediately filled it out and signed up for the information session, eagerly reviewing options and gathering books. For the first time in a long while, we felt a renewed sense of excitement. The long wait that followed tested my patience, yet I remained calm. Upon seeing our son, EJ, for the first time, all previous heartache dissipated. I felt gratitude for every moment that led us to that picture of our adorable child.
We recognized that conceiving biologically was a possibility, but it was not a path we desired to pursue any longer. About a year after EJ joined our family, we discussed having more children. I felt a twinge of guilt for not wanting to try for a biological child, but Jake’s firm stance of “One and done!” became our guiding principle.
I hold deep admiration for those who undergo fertility treatments, as it requires immense strength and perseverance. However, it’s crucial to understand that the journeys to motherhood vary significantly. Some paths are conventional, while others diverge into alternative routes. I am grateful every day that mine took a different turn.
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Summary:
Motherhood can be approached through various paths, with each journey being deeply personal. After enduring three miscarriages, the decision to adopt became a source of joy and fulfillment for one couple. They found peace in their choice, recognizing the strength it takes to navigate differing routes to parenthood. The narrative highlights the importance of understanding and respecting the diverse experiences women have while pursuing motherhood.