8 Essential Guidelines for Morning Interactions with Your Uncaffeinated Mother

Dear Cherished Offspring,

It is well-established that your mother is not a morning person. For the sake of your own safety and well-being, I present a list of actions to avoid before I have consumed my coffee (the revered elixir that awakens my mind in a challenging world). Please take this advisory seriously; consequences may ensue if you disregard it.

1. Avoid Noisy Footsteps

Please refrain from thundering down the stairs like a stampede of woolly mammoths. Your morning energy rivals that of a herd of wild elephants. Quietness is key until I have had my coffee.

2. Breakfast Inquiries Are Off-Limits

You are no longer the small children who relied on me for every meal. I relinquish responsibility for breakfast decisions. You can find something to eat from last night’s dinner. Cold pizza or even mayonnaise sandwiches are acceptable options should we be out of cereal.

3. Limit Questions

Do not bombard me with queries—whether about sleepovers, allowances, or snacks. The likelihood of a “NO!” is high. This includes random questions about math or historical facts. It is best to hold off all inquiries until I have regained full consciousness.

4. Television Should Remain Off

I lack the mental fortitude to endure morning cartoons, even if caffeine does spark a moment of familial affection. I highly recommend keeping the TV off until I am fully awake.

5. Minimize Annoying Sounds

Activities such as whistling, humming, or any other disruptive noises should be avoided. No loud chewing or singing of catchy songs that will linger in my mind. Even I need a moment of peace before the chaos of the day begins.

6. Do Not Report Grievances

Refrain from sharing any conflicts among siblings, real or imagined. Whether it’s an accusation of name-calling or a dispute over food, I urge you to save those tales for when I am more alert.

7. No Visitors Allowed

While weekends might bring friends over, I am not prepared for anyone outside the family to witness my pre-coffee state. You are likely to become more disruptive when your friends are present, and I cannot guarantee my patience.

8. Respect Personal Space

Do not sneak up behind me to check the coffee level in my mug. This only serves to irritate me and may result in a longer wait for you while I brew another cup.

Rest assured, my dear children, that your mother will usually return to her calm, patient demeanor after one mug of coffee (or two, depending on the night). Kindly allow me a few moments of tranquility to gather the mental strength needed for the day ahead. Thank you for your understanding and cooperation.

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Summary

This article outlines essential morning etiquette for children to observe before their mother has her coffee. It emphasizes minimizing noise, avoiding breakfast inquiries, limiting questions, and respecting personal space to ensure a peaceful transition into the day.