Why We Allow Our Children to Choose When to Show Affection

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As my toddler shyly nestled into my shoulder during a family reunion, I sensed her discomfort in the presence of her grandparents, whom she hadn’t seen in months. They were excited to embrace her, yet she clung to me, a clear sign that she wasn’t ready for physical affection. A part of me wanted to assure the grandparents that she’d come around soon, but I also grappled with the idea of forcing her into a hug, feeling it might betray her personal space and autonomy.

In our family, my partner and I have made a conscious choice not to compel our children to give hugs or kisses to anyone, even to us. This principle became especially evident when I watched her hesitate to greet her father with affection after work. Despite my internal discomfort with her refusal, we respect her decision.

Growing up, I was taught the importance of politeness and consideration for others, which I still value today. However, I believe that the expectation to physically comfort others can have detrimental effects on children. Forcing a reluctant child into a hug can make them uncomfortable, and I argue that this approach is not conducive to teaching genuine kindness.

When children learn they have the autonomy to choose whom they hug, we empower them to take charge of their own bodies. This practice not only promotes their comfort and safety but also serves as a preventive measure against potential abuse. As noted in the Parenting Safe Children workshop, allowing children to establish their own boundaries is crucial for their well-being.

You might wonder how this approach relates to preventing abuse. The reality is that subtle social cues can create an environment where children feel pressured to please others at the expense of their own comfort. A girl worried about offending a relative by denying a hug or a boy allowing unwanted physical contact can set the stage for more serious issues down the line. Teaching our children to prioritize their own comfort helps them develop healthier relationships in the future.

Moreover, instilling the principle of consent from a young age can empower children—especially girls—to assert their boundaries as they grow older. It can help them navigate situations where they might otherwise feel obligated to engage in behaviors they are not ready for, such as premature sexual activity or uncomfortable interactions with adults.

While it may disappoint family members who expect affectionate greetings, such as a wave or a high-five, the long-term benefits of nurturing boundaries far outweigh the momentary discomfort. For more on healthy relationship dynamics, you can check out this excellent resource on fertility and health.

In conclusion, by allowing our children the freedom to decide when and how they express affection, we encourage a sense of agency that can protect them from unhealthy relationships and empower them in their future interactions. The hope is that one day, they may choose to embrace their loved ones on their own terms.

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