7 Motherhood Terms That Drive Me Up the Wall

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Navigating the world of motherhood can be challenging, especially when it comes to the language we use. As a first-time mother at 37, I was taken aback by some of the terminology associated with pregnancy and parenting. During my first ultrasound, my obstetrician referred to me as “elderly primigravida.” My immediate thought was, “Elderly? What’s happening down there?” It turns out this term refers to women over 34. Good to know my reproductive system is on the edge of a bingo game!

With that experience in mind, here’s a list of motherhood terms that I believe need to be retired:

1. Baby Bump
   Why has “belly” or “stomach” been replaced with “baby bump”? This term sounds overly whimsical, as if pregnancy is akin to a tropical disease. “Oh look at your baby bump! You should probably apply some benzoyl peroxide.” Please, let’s stick to the basics.
2. Pump and Dump
   I have used this phrase under the influence of a particularly large mojito, and while it is technically accurate, it conjures uncomfortable images of a mother attempting to multitask while squatting over a toilet. Perhaps we could rephrase this to something more palatable, like “preserving the baby’s liver” or “guilt-free drinking”?
3. Push Present
   When did gifting a mother for birthing a child become standard? Yes, labor can be intense, but it’s not as if mothers are doing anyone a favor. This term paints a comical picture of a woman in labor receiving a gift box amidst the chaos. Let’s just say, I’d rather have a moment of peace than a new handbag after enduring contractions.
4. DD, DS, and DH
   Using abbreviations like “Dear Daughter” and “Dear Husband” makes family sound bureaucratic. Why not just use “daughter” and “husband”? Or better yet, “kids” and “spouse”? Life is too short for unnecessary acronyms that make our loved ones sound like government entities.
5. Mucus Plug
   While this term is accurate, it is far too graphic. I propose we adopt a euphemism, such as “baby stopper” or “stork cork.” Anything would be better than the current terminology that is just too vivid.
6. Effaced
   This term refers to the thinning of the cervix before delivery but can be misleading. Until I took a childbirth class, I thought effacement had something to do with the baby’s position. Can’t we just say “thinning”? After nine months, hearing that something is getting thinner would be reassuring.
7. Fur Baby
   While I understand the affection for pets, referring to them as “fur babies” is misleading. Unlike my child, my dog doesn’t require midnight feedings or diaper changes. Sure, both enjoy chewing on sticks, but that’s where the similarities end. Unless your pet is an Ewok, let’s save the “baby” label for human children.

In summary, the language surrounding motherhood can be both amusing and perplexing. By reevaluating these terms, we might make the experience of parenting feel a little more grounded. If you’re interested in learning more about pregnancy and home insemination, check out this excellent resource: Women’s Health. For those exploring self-insemination options, visit Make a Mom for authoritative guidance. Additionally, you can find more insights in our blog post here.