Do You Have Healthy Boundaries, or Are You Just Being Selfish?

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“Cultivating a constant connection with oneself is essential. The individual who knows where to set their boundaries is the only one you need to prioritize” — Martha Beck, Oprah.com.

One afternoon last year, I found myself in a rather chaotic situation. I had left my children with a family friend while I rushed to deliver homemade meals to a new acquaintance whose husband was gravely ill. The need for a cab arose because I had lent my vehicle to a friend picking up his family from the airport. Additionally, I was hosting a relative while juggling work responsibilities.

In retrospect, I realize that this frenzied day was not just stressful; it was poorly managed. I was overwhelmed and trying to meet everyone’s needs, while my own priorities were sidelined. The stress was palpable; I was sweating, the food was less than ideal, and my own professional commitments were slipping away.

While I felt good about helping others, I couldn’t ignore the toll it took on my well-being. Days filled with overcommitment often leave us feeling burnt out and ineffective. An overextended individual may inadvertently become unreliable, which only adds to the stress.

Recognizing this pattern, I decided it was time to reevaluate my commitments. I began to say no more frequently. This was counterintuitive; society often portrays saying yes as the morally superior choice. After all, many of us have encountered people who refuse to lend a hand when needed, and it’s easy to label them as unkind. However, I realized this approach was unsustainable for my mental health.

To begin this journey, I had to confront an uncomfortable truth: many of my acts of service stemmed from a desire for approval or a sense of guilt. This led me to ponder the possibility that people with clear boundaries might actually enjoy life more. They understand their limits and prioritize their interests without sacrificing their well-being for the sake of others.

In my quest to establish healthier boundaries, I faced a moment that challenged my resolve. A woman I barely knew received devastating news while I worked nearby. Though I felt compelled to reach out, I also felt immense pressure to meet my deadline. I offered a moment of comfort, yet quickly returned to my tasks. In hindsight, I recognize this as a significant misstep—a moment I wish I could redo.

This experience highlighted the balance between community support and personal boundaries. While the idea of collective effort is heartwarming, modern conveniences often replace genuine community connections. I was fortunate to grow up surrounded by a network of supportive individuals, from family friends to neighbors, who provided assistance during difficult times.

The essence of community lies in being there for one another without the need for constant transactional exchanges. Despite the challenges, I aspire to help others in their times of need. Establishing a clear boundary will allow me to contribute meaningfully—right before, say, my neighbor’s kid’s school fundraiser.

I hope that when I face my own challenges, the kindness I’ve extended will come back to me, perhaps in the form of a comforting meal on my doorstep.

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Summary

Establishing healthy boundaries is essential for personal well-being, as overcommitting can lead to stress and inefficiency. The balance between helping others and taking care of oneself is crucial. While community support is invaluable, it’s important to recognize when to say no and prioritize personal needs to maintain mental health.