Educating Our Daughters on the Value of Friendship

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My daughter, Ava, is currently navigating the complexities of seventh grade at a small private school. Having known most of her classmates since kindergarten, and some even from preschool, you’d think the environment would be relatively harmonious. However, while overt bullying is minimal, the subtler forms of social cruelty have begun to surface, particularly among the girls.

At the start of the school year, Ava began sharing unsettling remarks she overheard in class. These comments often included:

• “Why are you wearing those leggings?”
• “What have you done to your hair? Just, no.”
• “What is that smell? Don’t you use deodorant? Gross.”

These remarks, delivered in a dismissive tone, are frequently made in public settings—before class, in hallways, or during lunch. While it’s disheartening to witness such public shaming over personal choices, what pains me more is that Ava, who has been on the receiving end of this behavior, still considers some of the offenders her friends. This raises an important question: Do our daughters truly understand the essence of friendship?

Reflecting on earlier years, I remember supervising Ava’s playdates, where I facilitated sharing and encouraged kind communication. When conflicts arose over toys, I guided the girls in taking turns. If someone used hurtful language, we discussed feelings and how to express disagreements more gently. After a couple of hours of structured play and snacks, the girls would leave with smiles and hugs. It was simple.

Now, Ava and her friends interact differently. They no longer have playdates; they prefer to hang out at coffee shops or retreat to her room to chat away on social media platforms like Instagram and Snapchat. As a parent, my role has shifted to that of an observer, with fewer opportunities to assist her in navigating friendships, which is crucial at this stage.

Middle school is a tumultuous period filled with various changes: physical development, crushes, social events, and the pressure of academic demands. It’s a lot for any young girl to manage. While my home provides a supportive environment, I realize Ava increasingly seeks validation and direction from her peers as she forms her identity. The lack of compassion I see among her classmates signals that it may be time for me to step back into her social world, even if it feels uncomfortable.

Teaching our daughters to stand against bullying and to advocate for kindness is essential, but we must also encourage them to uplift one another consistently. A true friend supports rather than succumbs to jealousy. She offers compliments instead of criticism and addresses issues in private rather than publicly shaming someone. Healthy competition should inspire rather than demean, fostering an environment of confidence and acceptance. In genuine friendships, compassion should triumph over judgment. Our daughters deserve no less.

This behavior, though common during adolescence, is unacceptable. I don’t expect Ava to be perfect or to get along with everyone. However, I encourage her to avoid unkindness. If she feels compelled to speak, it should be with kindness or not at all. I want her to learn how to be a good friend, to recognize true friendship, and to distance herself from peers who undermine her self-esteem.

Girls face enough challenges without tearing each other down. Instead, I hope to inspire Ava and her friends to be each other’s biggest advocates, embracing the transformative power of friendship with compassion.

For more insights on relationships and parenting, you might find our other blog posts helpful, such as this one on navigating social dynamics during adolescence. Additionally, for those considering starting a family, resources like this article from the World Health Organization can be invaluable, as well as guidance from Make A Mom’s at-home insemination kit.

Summary

In the journey of adolescence, girls often face social challenges that can impact their understanding of friendship. It’s crucial for them to learn the importance of kindness and support, fostering genuine connections that promote self-esteem and compassion. As parents, stepping in to guide them through these dynamics can help shape a positive social environment.