The Top 10 Gross Changes After Becoming a Parent

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I’m not sure when it happened, but somewhere between the birth of my first child and now, I turned into a pretty gross person. It hit me like a ton of bricks when a childless friend looked at me in horror. Here’s how my life has changed since becoming a parent:

1. Chocolate or Poop?
   Before kids: A brown stain? Definitely chocolate. I’d lick it off without a second thought.
   After kids: Now, that brown mystery could easily be poop, and my first instinct is to sniff it for confirmation. Honestly, whether it’s chocolate or poop, I’m probably not stopping what I’m doing to clean it. It can wait.
2. Booger Maneuvers
   Before kids: Boogers were my worst nightmare. I needed multiple tissues for my own nose, let alone anyone else’s!
   After kids: If a tissue is handy, great. If not, my bare hand will do. Extracting boogers from my infant has become second nature. Plus, any black shirt I wear is destined for those telltale snot smears.
3. Vomit Catcher
   Before kids: If anyone looked like they might throw up, I’d be out of there faster than you could say “barf.”
   After kids: If my kids start to puke, I instinctively catch it with my hands. It’s better than cleaning it off the carpet, right?
4. Saliva as a Cleaning Agent
   Before kids: My sister used to torture me with her saliva, and it was revolting.
   After kids: Now, I’m doing the same to my kids, but it’s for cleaning, not torture. Totally different!
5. Nail Maintenance
   Before kids: Long nails? Time to clip them!
   After kids: Kid nails grow at warp speed, and keeping track of those tiny clippers is a challenge. I’ve found myself nibbling on my baby’s nails out of sheer desperation!
6. Unintentional Urine Encounter
   Before kids: The only time I’d sleep in urine was if I was unaware or inebriated.
   After kids: One night, I woke up to a warm stream soaking my back, courtesy of my bedwetting child. You’ll find yourself debating whether to change the sheets or just cover it with a towel and try to sleep!
7. Bath Time Shenanigans
   Before kids: If I saw anything suspicious in my bathwater, I’d drain it and disinfect immediately.
   After kids: Now, if I see that yellow halo forming around my kid, I just look the other way. A little pee never hurt anyone, right?
8. Ice Cream Cone Preparation
   Before kids: Watching my mom lick my ice cream cone drove me mad.
   After kids: Now, I lick the cone into shape so it doesn’t drip everywhere. It’s all about making it easier for them!
9. Leftover Snacks
   Before kids: No way would I touch half-eaten food from someone else’s plate.
   After kids: If my toddler isn’t eating it, why not? Waste not, want not!
10. Diaper Sniff Test
    Before kids: I would never have taken a whiff of a used diaper.
    After kids: Now, I can’t help but check the diaper for confirmation of a messy situation!

Parenting can get pretty gross, but it’s all part of the journey. One can only hope that someday my kids will experience their own transformation into “disgusting” adults. Oh, the circle of life!

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Summary

Becoming a parent brings a slew of gross habits and experiences that you never thought you’d embrace. From dealing with the aftermath of a toddler’s meals to transforming into a human napkin for your little ones, the journey is filled with unexpected changes. Embrace the mess—it’s all part of the parenting adventure!