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Tackling the Chaos of Back-to-School Shopping in 18 Simple Steps
The moment we’ve all dreaded has arrived: back-to-school shopping! If you’re anything like me, you’ll probably wait until the last possible minute to tackle this exhausting chore. So, to make your life a bit easier, I’ve put together an 18-step guide to get through back-to-school shopping with your little ones. Let’s make it a fun adventure!
- Download the supply list from the school website for the grade.
- Let out a dramatic sigh and maybe even a shudder.
- Gather your kids and head to the nearest superstore in comfy shoes. A discreetly hidden water bottle filled with chardonnay is highly recommended.
- Navigate to the back-to-school section. If you can’t find it, just look for the colorful signs and the air of broken dreams.
- Pull out that supply list and a pen, ready to conquer this with military precision.
- First stop: glue sticks. We need 12, but they only come in packs of 10. Try to convince Child #1 that 10 is close enough while they count aloud. Discuss whether the teacher will notice the missing two. Get lectured by the child who suddenly has a newfound respect for rules.
- Abort mission when Child #2 declares they need to use the restroom, despite a previous assurance that they were fine. You had asked at the entrance, right next to the bathroom!
- After a successful “potty trip,” you search for washable school glue for Child #2. Discover it’s not Elmer’s, and the list emphatically states “IT MUST BE ELMER’S.” It’s in ALL CAPS; it must be crucial. Toss the knockoff glue in the cart, because why not?
- Next up: “SHARP 5-inch pointed Fiskars scissors.” Isn’t it implied that if something is pointed, it’s also sharp? And why the yelling with ALL CAPS? I’m trying my best here, school supply list!
- Child #1 announces another potty break is needed. Take a fortifying swig of your “water” and head back.
- Return to the back-to-school section again for three packs of Crayola crayons, 24-count. Seriously, why not just buy a pack of 64? Because Child #2 needs 72. Apparently, those eight extra crayons will really enhance their kindergarten experience.
- Start to wonder if the school system is in cahoots with retailers to drive parents absolutely mad.
- Attempt to steer Child #1 towards a standard 5×8 plastic pencil box. Brace yourself for the eye rolls as she begs for a zebra-print, voice-activated box with GPS that dispenses Skittles. Stand firm through the ensuing tears.
- Surprisingly, find the watercolor paints and dry erase markers without too much trouble. Feel a little superior to the other frazzled parents.
- With just two items left on the list, take a celebratory swig from your water bottle.
- Strut over to the eraser section, find a latex-free Pink Pearl eraser, and giggle at the word “latex.” Then realize there are no pink ones left—only blue and a SpongeBob SquarePants design. Not acceptable for an 11-year-old girl.
- Negotiate with Child #1: a zebra-print supply box in exchange for the SpongeBob eraser. Acknowledge that the balance of power has shifted and roll with it.
- Finally locate the pencils. The list specifies unsharpened. Spy a box of sharpened ones, open it, and break all the sharpened leads off while the kids watch in disbelief. Casually throw the unsharpened pencils back in the cart and head to checkout.
Congratulations! You’ve managed to check off 90% of the list while avoiding a total meltdown. Sure, you spent two hours here and forgot dinner ingredients, but hey, Chinese takeout for everyone! That’s definitely a reason to celebrate!
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Summary
Back-to-school shopping can be a chaotic and frustrating experience, but with this light-hearted guide and a few laughs, you can tackle the list with your kids in tow. Don’t forget to treat yourself afterward!