10 Realities About Newborn Sleep

home insemination Kit

Before becoming a parent, the concept of sleep training seemed utterly perplexing to me. Surely, the expression “sleeping like a baby” must have a positive origin, right? So, why would babies require sleep training?

I’m starting to believe that this phrase was actually a clever jab from some sleep-deprived parents from centuries ago, and it’s been tricking generations of new moms and dads ever since.

Since welcoming my little one, Luna, from the hospital, it’s become clear that newborns are far from peaceful sleepers. They grunt, squeal, squirm, kick, cry, eat, and yes, poop, all while supposedly getting their 16-18 hours of shut-eye. Initially, I thought something was wrong with my baby and took her to the pediatrician, only to find out she was perfectly healthy. There was no magic solution for my noisy little sleeper; she was just doing what newborns do.

As I was crying and getting ready to head home for another round of “please go to sleep,” a nurse stopped by. She took one look at my tear-streaked face and said, “All four of my daughters were noisy sleepers, too.” In that moment, I realized she was a seasoned veteran who truly understood my struggle. Instead of giving me advice, she simply patted my hand and encouraged me to hang in there.

That’s when it hit me: I had been duped! My adorable baby was actually a tiny sleep terrorist holding my dreams hostage. Based on the look in that nurse’s eyes, I knew this was just the beginning.

When I got home, I dove into all the hospital literature and my birthing class binder, hoping for some guidance on managing newborn sleep. Surely, the medical community, which insists on a six-week course for the birthing process, would have provided the necessary instructions for handling a newborn, right? Where was the reset button?!

Here’s what I’ve learned about newborn sleep:

1. Noisy Sleepers: Babies are louder than your uncle snoring after a holiday feast. They grunt, squeal, and thrash, even when swaddled tightly. You’ll find yourself checking on them constantly, only to wake them up and start over.
2. Eyes Wide Open: Newborns often sleep with their eyes wide open, staring at you like tiny adorable stalkers. Sometimes they do a zombie impression with their heavy eyelids, and trust me, it doesn’t get less creepy over time—you just get used to it.
3. Sleep Unicorns: If you’re one of the lucky few whose baby sleeps for eight straight hours, keep it to yourself. Seriously, no bragging. I’m happy for you, but it’s a war zone over here!
4. Swaddle Questions: Please don’t ask me if I’ve tried swaddling. Yes, I’ve tried every swaddle on the market, from the miracle ones to duct tape (kidding…sort of). My clever baby quickly figured out how to wriggle free.
5. Sleep Aids: Don’t even ask me about any sleep aids. I have two white noise machines and have tried every pacifier. I even contemplated molding my breast into a silicone pacifier after one sleepless night. It’s been a wild ride, and I barely remember what a solid four-hour sleep feels like.
6. Colic: This term means “your baby cries a ton, refuses to sleep, and the doctor has no clue why.” Spoiler alert: there’s no cure except waiting for them to grow up a bit.
7. Sound Sensitivity: If you think white noise will drown out other sounds, think again. Opening a soda can at 3 AM will sound like an explosion. If your baby is in the room, just stay put and hold it. Trust me, the creaks of your mattress will betray you.
8. Night Off: When family offers to babysit overnight, take them up on it without guilt. Hand over your baby, dive under the covers, and enjoy some long-overdue sleep. Leave your phone behind—the world can wait!
9. Sleep When They Sleep: This advice is great…unless your baby only sleeps in the car. In that case, you have to balance showering and eating with your baby’s nap time. See point 7 for how to maximize sleep.
10. Find What Works: If you discover something that helps your baby sleep, use it until it stops working. I recently spoke to my friend, Mia, who has three kids. She reassured me that none of her kids ever slept longer than three hours, but it gets better—eventually, you can threaten them into staying in bed!

If you’re interested in more insights on pregnancy and home insemination, check out this excellent resource from the CDC. And for supplies related to self-insemination, visit Make a Mom. Also, remember to check out our privacy policy for more information.

In summary, newborn sleep is a wild experience filled with noise, surprises, and a steep learning curve. It’s a journey that all new parents embark on, so hang in there—you’re not alone in this chaotic adventure!