How to Survive Grocery Shopping with a Toddler in 100 Comical Steps

1. Create a detailed shopping list and include a store map and any necessary coupons.
2. Pack snacks, a book, a cart liner, and some hand sanitizer.
3. Inform your little one that “playtime” is over.
4. Explain why it’s time to leave their toys.
5. Make a deal: they can bring two toys in the car if they stop playing.
6. Engage in a small wrestling match to secure them in their car seat.
7. Begin the drive to the store.
8. Pull over to retrieve a toy that has mysteriously landed on the floor.
9. Continue your journey.
10. Firmly tell your toddler “no” when they ask to stop again for the toy.
11. Brace yourself for the inevitable tears.
12. Crank up the radio.
13. Arrive at the store.
14. Enter into a debate about leaving toys in the car.
15. Emerge victorious and feel a surge of pride.
16. Sanitize the shopping cart and place the cart liner in.
17. Secure your toddler in the cart.
18. Discover the cart’s safety belt is broken.
19. Remove your toddler and start the process again with a new cart.
20. Sanitize the second cart and place the liner inside.
21. Buckle your toddler in and hand them some snacks while hunting for your list.
22. Realize the shopping list is still at home.
23. Look up just in time to see your toddler licking the cart handle.
24. Thank your stars for the sanitizer.
25. Mental chastise yourself for forgetting the list and brace for an adventurous shopping trip.
26. Head to the deli section.
27. Watch a woman taste-testing every possible potato salad and silently curse her.
28. Turn to find your toddler dumping snacks all over the floor.
29. Explain why floor food is a no-go.
30. Try to pacify the ensuing meltdown.
31. Witness the potato salad woman move on to salads and decide you don’t really need deli meats.
32. Make your way to the produce aisle for bananas.
33. Explain again why eating bananas in the store isn’t happening.
34. Attempt to soothe another tantrum.
35. Hand your toddler a book.
36. Move on to the dairy section.
37. Compare expiration dates on multiple gallons of milk.
38. Hear your toddler call a stranger with grey hair “grandpa” and quickly apologize.
39. Navigate to the cracker aisle.
40. Explain again why those crackers aren’t for immediate consumption.
41. Try to calm yet another meltdown.
42. Wonder where the book went.
43. Realize that you no longer own said book.
44. Try to recall what was on your shopping list.
45. Tell your toddler to stop licking the cart again.
46. Head to the baking aisle in search of cake mix.
47. Turn around to see your toddler has somehow twisted around in the seat despite being buckled.
48. Unbuckle, reposition them, and fasten them securely again.
49. Resume your search for cake mixes.
50. Notice your toddler has managed to slide the safety belt up to their neck.
51. Give a firm talking-to and adjust the buckle back to its place.
52. Continue your quest for cake mixes.
53. Hear your toddler loudly question a random person’s big nose.
54. Apologize profusely without making eye contact and abandon the cake section.
55. Make your way to the cereal aisle.
56. Explain why buying a dozen types of marshmallow cereal is not an option.
57. Attempt yet again to quell the tantrum.
58. Wonder when your toddler acquired a jar of mayonnaise.
59. Try unsuccessfully to swap the mayo for a more acceptable item.
60. Watch in horror as they throw the replacement item in rage.
61. Hand back the mayonnaise, explaining it can’t come home.
62. Head back to produce to grab forgotten apples.
63. Pause to admire the lobster tank, then prepare for the tantrum that follows when you leave.
64. Search for the least bruised apples.
65. Look up to see your toddler munching on an apple they’ve snatched.
66. Quickly remove the apple and toss it into the bag.
67. Attempt to calm another tantrum.
68. Fail spectacularly at this attempt.
69. Feel the piercing stares of fellow shoppers.
70. Realize how echoes amplify in grocery stores.
71. Abandon your parenting resolve and shove an unpurchased box of crackers into your toddler’s lap.
72. Start hastily grabbing items you *think* were on your list.
73. Turn just in time to catch your toddler dumping the cracker box onto the floor.
74. Explain once more why we don’t eat from the floor.
75. Fail again at calming the tantrum.
76. Make a beeline for the nearest checkout lane.
77. Curse the store for having so many checkout lanes yet only two open.
78. Stand behind a line of five people, one with two overflowing carts.
79. Curse the shopper with two carts under your breath.
80. Watch as your toddler performs escape acts from the safety belt.
81. Try to distract them with your keys, lip gloss, and anything else you can find in your purse.
82. Fail miserably.
83. Explain again why candy is off-limits.
84. Marvel at your toddler’s impressive volume.
85. Apologize to everyone in earshot.
86. Avoid eye contact like it’s the plague.
87. Watch as your little one escapes from the safety belt yet again and debate whether to let them roam or hold onto an acrobat toddler.
88. Decide neither option is good and wrestle them back into the seat while whispering threats of lifelong time-outs.
89. Apologize as you hastily toss your items, including the empty cracker box and half-eaten apple, onto the conveyor belt.
90. Completely forget to use your coupons.
91. Leave the store feeling like you’ve just completed a marathon.
92. Drive home wondering what you can whip up for dinner with bananas, milk, a half-eaten apple, three boxes of marshmallow cereal, and mayonnaise.
93. Realize you left the cart liner in the shopping cart.
94. Curse grocery shopping in silence and vow to never do it again with a toddler.
95. Turn around to see your peacefully snoozing toddler in the back seat and feel a wave of love for motherhood wash over you—most of the time.

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This adventure in grocery shopping is a reminder of the chaos, the fun, and the love that comes with parenthood. For more tips on navigating the journey of parenthood, check out our other post about home insemination at this link. If you’re looking for authoritative advice on the process, Make a Mom offers great insights. For further reading on pregnancy and home insemination, News Medical is a fantastic resource.

Summary:

Grocery shopping with a toddler can be a hilarious nightmare filled with tantrums, messes, and unexpected adventures. From negotiating toy deals to navigating the aisles, this light-hearted guide covers the ups and downs of shopping with little ones.