The 10 Messiest Moments of Parenthood

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Parenthood definitely has its messy moments. We’re not just talking about dirt, mud, or spaghetti sauce stains on the wall. There’s a whole other realm of unpleasantness that we often keep to ourselves. Here’s a lighthearted look at the ten messiest things I’ve faced as a parent.

1. Investigating Diapers: When one of my kids developed a milk protein allergy, every diaper became a mini crime scene investigation. Is that blood? Nope, just a gum piece. Or is it crayon wax? My husband has a strict no-tweezers policy, so I often find myself taking a sample to the doctor instead. Oh, and apparently, the kitchen is not the best place for this.
2. Digging Through Vomit: I once thought I saw blood in my toddler’s vomit. I went in for a closer inspection, only to discover it was just chocolate from an old M&M. Lesson learned—sometimes it’s better to just let it go.
3. Calling Poison Control: The first time I called them was after my toddler decided to taste an Air Wick scented oil. Her breath smelled like a tropical paradise for hours! Once I knew she was fine, I just moved her toys around the house to mask the scent.
4. Nose Fishing: There was a time I had to pick out a long booger from my child’s nose. I even had to Google it afterward to check if it was a tapeworm. Spoiler: it wasn’t.
5. Grape Skin Incident: Let’s just say I had to remove part of a grape skin from an unmentionable area. Enough said.
6. Poop Cleanup: Cleaning up a crib covered in poop is a rite of passage. 80% on the mattress, 15% on little feet, and 5% somehow ends up in the mouth. Luckily, this was a one-time event for us.
7. Smelling Vomit: When you call poison control about blue vomit, you better be ready to describe the smell. “Yes, I admit I wasn’t keeping my eyes on my child. No, I won’t taste it!”
8. Using My Clothes as Tissue: Forget the diaper bag! Every time I leave it behind, someone suddenly gets a runny nose. This results in using my hands, shirt, or even my jeans. At least pockets are handy.
9. Showing Potty Skills: Being a role model in the bathroom isn’t something most people sign up for. Yet, toddlers find it fascinating and will cheer you on like you’re at a concert.
10. Vomit in My Face: I once got hit right in the face with projectile vomit from my toddler. It was like she had trained for this moment. I stood there stunned, glasses fogging up, and let’s just say, lips aren’t watertight.

Despite how gross these moments can be, they come with the territory of parenting. After all, an 18-month-old isn’t exactly equipped to deal with their own messes. I’ve become a pro at handling all things bodily fluids. Who knows, maybe I’ll even put these skills to use in a future career!

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In summary, parenting comes with its fair share of messy situations, and while they can be downright gross, they’re also part of the wild ride that is raising kids.