The Awkward Experience of Buying Hemorrhoid Cream

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What I missed out on in stretch marks from pregnancy, I got served in the form of pregnancy hemorrhoids. You know, those painful, swollen bumps that make sitting feel like torture. While everyone else is flaunting their stretch marks as badges of honor, I’m over here grappling with these annoying rectal issues. I’m not even sure I want to acknowledge my situation right now.

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The discomfort kicked in when I was about eight weeks pregnant with my second child. Honestly, I was clueless—didn’t realize hemorrhoids could be a thing for someone my age. One particularly rough day, when the throbbing was too much to bear, I thought, “Okay, time to investigate.”

I headed to the bathroom, where my only decent mirror resides. I dropped my pants, bent over, and braced myself for the worst.

OMG, WHAT THE HELL ARE THOSE?

Lumps and bumps all around my backside. Hemorrhoids are truly the worst.

In a fit of panic, I yelled to my husband, “Google hemorrhoids! What do I do?!”

“I am not Googling hemorrhoids.”

“Please, just find my phone.”

After some frantic research, I discovered my salvation was a tube of hemorrhoid cream, but that meant a trip to the grocery store or Rite Aid. Cue the public humiliation.

Seriously, I just got over the awkwardness of buying super-absorbent pads and tampons! But here I was, faced with the anal aisle. There I stood, surrounded by enemas and laxatives—talk about mortifying. I was the only one in the aisle, aside from a sweet old lady with a cart full of prune juice.

To make matters worse, I had to buy Preparation H and then face the cashier. I awkwardly covered the tube with my hand like I was hiding a stolen item. I scanned the checkout area, wishing for a female cashier. Instead, I got stuck with a teenage boy.

Great, he’s probably going to share a story with his buddies about the woman buying hemorrhoid cream. I should’ve grabbed other items to make it less conspicuous.

I placed the tube on the conveyor belt and tried to act casual, almost wishing I could say, “This is for my grandma.” But that would only make me look more guilty!

Just as the cream was about to slide down the belt, a super hot firefighter walked up to my lane. I did a slow-motion glance back, thinking, “Wow, how often does this happen?” He smiled, I smiled, and then I quickly looked down at the credit card pad as the cashier asked, “Did you find everything OK today, ma’am?”

I wanted to scream. Just bag the evidence already!

I shot a death glare at the cashier. “Yeeerrrrhhhhsssssss,” I managed.

He handed me the bag, and I bolted for the door like I was escaping a crime scene.

Once home, I tore open the box. It said I needed to use wipes first? Oh great. I rummaged through my kid’s bathroom for some dried-out wipes and wet them down. Then came the hemorrhoid cream, complete with an applicator. No way was I using that fancy gadget! I resorted to a Q-tip for application.

For two weeks, I diligently applied the cream, but my hemorrhoids persisted. Time to see the doctor. After a quick examination, yes, I had hemorrhoids. Thanks, doc! But then she called in a prescription that was way stronger than what I’d been using.

I felt both relieved and annoyed. Are you kidding me? I could’ve skipped the humiliation at the store and just gone to the doctor! I’d take a rectal exam any day over that grocery store experience. Well, unless the doctor was cute, then my butt would be like, peace out.

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To sum it up, the experience of buying hemorrhoid cream is one of the most awkward moments a mom can face, right up there with other pregnancy-related challenges.