Why We Assume Others Don’t Like Us

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A little while back, I found myself in line for the restroom at a café, chatting with a woman named Leah. I complimented her stylish shoes, and then, true to my nature, I quickly shifted the conversation to my own footwear. She laughed, seemed friendly, and we exchanged names—though I can’t say for certain. I thought we might become friends.

Over the next few weeks, I’d see Leah around. Sometimes she’d greet me, other times she wouldn’t. This led me to question if she was even the same person I’d spoken to, despite living in a small town where only a handful of people resemble each other. Eventually, I convinced myself that we had never met, stopped saying hi, and even ceased glancing in her direction. Before long, I told myself she wasn’t nice and didn’t care for me.

Isn’t it fascinating how we create these narratives? We rationalize why we keep our distance, often believing the other person is at fault. This isn’t just limited to casual acquaintances; even long-time friends can get caught in similar traps. I’ve often played the role of a mediator, hearing two friends lament, “I feel like I’ve reached out so many times, but she’s never available. If she wants to meet up, she needs to make the first move.”

It’s a little absurd, but it’s just how people are. Trying to explain to someone who’s wallowing in social self-pity that their perceptions might be all in their head is usually futile. The more you attempt to comfort them, the more they feel like you’re taking something valuable from them.

Getting back to my own situation, I realized that even while I was convinced Leah didn’t like me, I was stuck in a familiar cycle. It’s oddly comforting to dwell on the negative opinions of others, isn’t it? Perhaps it’s a way of reclaiming the feelings of helplessness we experienced as kids. Or maybe we’re just too self-absorbed to put in the effort to connect, convincing ourselves they’re not interested in knowing us anyway. There’s also a simpler truth: if we believe no one likes us, we might just become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Yet, in reality, plenty of people might still appreciate you, whether you recognize it or not.

Why do I find myself acting this way? Well, Leah eventually sent me a message—on social media! I had written an article bemoaning my lack of friends, half-expecting people to take it lightly, yet secretly hoping for some acknowledgment. To my surprise, Leah responded with, “I wouldn’t have guessed you felt that way.”

This realization was a bit of a downer for me; I’m great at hiding my true self. Yet, oddly enough, I felt a flicker of happiness for the same reason. Connecting with someone after distancing yourself is gratifying, but does it compare to the security of emotional self-protection? Depending on your upbringing, it may or may not.

Now that I’m an adult, I recognize that others are often too preoccupied with their own lives to pay much attention to me. So really, is there any reason not to assume everyone thinks I’m amazing?

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Summary:

We often assume others don’t like us due to our insecurities and perceptions, leading to a cycle of self-doubt. This can happen even with acquaintances or longtime friends. Ultimately, it’s essential to recognize that many people may appreciate us more than we believe.