The Wonders of Life Can Be Downright Gross (And My Perineum is Acting Up)

home insemination Kit

“Honey, I think there’s something off with my perineum!” I shout to my partner, Jake.

“Your what?” he replies, bewildered.

“My perineum! You know, the taint! It’s neither the vagina nor the butt. Anyway, there’s this weird bump, and it’s stinging like crazy, but I can’t see it!”

“Could it be a hemorrhoid?” he suggests. “Have you been straining?”

“Maybe! This baby is really messing with my system down there. Do you think you’d recognize a hemorrhoid if you saw one?”

“I might, but I’m not too keen on inspecting it,” he jokes. I can’t blame him for avoiding a close encounter with my problem area. This is the same guy who rushes to hold my hair back during my morning sickness, which, let’s be honest, is way more disgusting. I always try to yell “get away!” but the retching makes me inaudible, and he just hops on that vomit train with me. Sweet but also a little awful.

So, after declining my invite for an amateur examination, Jake hands me a tube of Preparation H and lets me handle it. Almost immediately, that pesky bump feels better, confirming his diagnosis. Thank goodness, because I really didn’t want to mention this at my next OB appointment.

When I first met Jake at a dimly lit bar five years ago, I never thought I’d be asking him to check my pregnancy-related hemorrhoids. This is what pregnancy does—it strips away the mystery. That fled town when I started leaving the bathroom door wide open. I get it; it’s not the best habit, but if I don’t, we’ll never finish a conversation, considering how often I’m running to pee.

Peeing when I sneeze? Oh yeah, that’s happening too. I’m allergic to dust and equally allergic to cleaning, so I’m always sneezing and peeing like a poorly trained puppy my partner never signed up for.

Don’t even get me started on the gas. I could fuel a motorboat right now. Seriously, I could burp the alphabet backward. If you poked my belly (please don’t), I’d probably soar across the room like a cartoon balloon.

The miracle of life can be so gross at times.

Of course, nothing beats that panicky moment in the delivery room when you have to shout, “Stay up here by my head or you’ll be traumatized for life!” Between pooping on the table, crowning, and episiotomies, there’s a lot you can’t unsee.

I’m convinced there should be an emotional epidural for partners to promote some post-pregnancy amnesia. I mean, if not, who would ever want to have more kids? Thank goodness for modern science, right?

If you want to dive deeper into pregnancy topics or how to navigate home insemination, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy from the NIH. And for couples looking to explore their fertility journey, the information from Make a Mom on artificial insemination kits is super helpful too.

In summary, the journey of pregnancy is filled with unexpected and sometimes gross moments, from bodily changes to the realities of delivery. It’s a wild ride that can strip away mystery but also bring couples closer together.