Your cart is currently empty!
Did I Mean To?
I can only guess what crossed your mind when we stepped inside. My six-year-old had his hand buried in a bag of cheesy puffs and was clutching an orange soda under his arm. His outfit? A pair of mismatched socks—one bright blue with Transformers, the other red with Elmo—because he insists on dressing himself and honestly, I just didn’t have the energy to argue.
And then there was my daughter, who strolled in with her hair already escaping from those hastily done pigtails, her ballet skirt sagging a bit in front. There I was, fumbling with the door while she held onto my wallet, keys, and a book.
“Did you mean to?” you asked, eyeing my baby bump and my obvious need for a shower.
Did I mean to?
Did I mean to collapse onto the little full-sized bed I share with my husband, throwing my legs over his shoulders and reveling in a few reckless hours of romance? Did I mean to stay up late chatting with him—this man who stepped into a father role for kids who weren’t his and longed for one of his own?
Did I mean to sit in a cramped hospital storage room, the staff having run out of actual patient rooms, while my husband supported me as I bled through my clothes and the wheelchair onto the floor? The nurse said, “There’s no heartbeat,” and we wrapped our shattered dreams in toilet paper as I watched my husband break.
Did I mean to gaze at the calendar every month, scrutinizing every little detail of my body, only to find myself sobbing on the bathroom floor because it hadn’t happened again? Did I mean to reach a point of surrender, just to have my womb finally accept a baby I’ve treated like a delicate porcelain doll for the past six months, terrified every second that something could go wrong and I’d hear that dreaded phrase again?
Did I mean to bring another child into this chaotic world, where my TV constantly spews fear-based news and consumerism, where I’m unsure of what tomorrow holds or even where my country stands, and are we really entering another war?
Did I mean to?
Absolutely.
This piece of writing captures the raw and messy journey of parenting and the emotional rollercoaster of creating a family. If you’re navigating similar paths, you might find this post on home insemination helpful, as well as this fertility booster for men. For a deeper dive into fertility and family-building, check out this resource from the CDC.
In summary, raising kids comes with all sorts of challenges, but every moment and every tear is part of the journey we embrace—because, yes, we meant to.