My Birth Plan, Seriously

home insemination Kit

Hey Hospital Team,

Here’s a lighthearted guide to help make our birthing experience as smooth as possible.

1. If my partner or I start to lose it and cry at the thought of being responsible for a tiny human (especially since we can’t even remember to take out the trash), please just let us be. We’d like to keep our dignity intact.
2. If my partner tries to sneak in a candy bar during labor because he’s feeling snacky while I’m pushing, kindly take it away and replace it with some ice chips.
3. If he tries to sneak me a fizzy soda, just ignore it. We all know that only ice chips are on the menu right now.
4. When you offer me pain relief and I say, “No thanks, I watched a documentary and I think I can handle this,” that actually means, “YES! Bring on ALL the drugs, like, NOW!”
5. Should we arrive in our birthing suite and find the TV’s on the fritz, please prepare for a mini freak-out because we will need some distractions.
6. If there’s a gruff nurse around who believes in “tough love” and shouts things like, “They all come out eventually,” please send her away and bring us the friendly nurse who enjoys hand-holding.
7. If someone hands me a mirror when the baby is crowning, I might just respond with enthusiasm and then accidentally smash it like I’m in a bar fight.
8. I’d love for the baby to be placed on my chest right after birth. It’ll make for a hilarious after-birth photo to send to my mother-in-law, who didn’t get to hang out while I was exposed and vulnerable.
9. Post-birth, we want the baby to stay in our room for all care procedures—not necessarily for bonding, but because my partner freaked out after renting that old movie “Switched at Birth.”
10. The lactation consultant can stop by, but please let her know we plan on introducing a pacifier ASAP, so no “nipple confusion” lectures, please!

Thanks for understanding our wishes for the birth of our first child. For more helpful tips about pregnancy and home insemination, check out this post on intracervicalinsemination. For the best home insemination kits, make a mom has you covered. And if you’re looking for excellent resources on IVF, News Medical has great content!

In summary, we just want a little understanding and a lot of humor as we navigate this wild ride into parenthood.