What Babysitter Instructions Really Imply

So, the kids are fed, bathed, and tucked in tight. I’ve managed to put on some makeup, albeit a bit smudged from lack of practice, and I’m dressed in my fanciest clothes—thankfully, they’re free of mystery stains for once. My partner is at the door, and I’m about to give the babysitter my final notes. But little do they know, there’s a big gap between what I say and what I actually mean.

What I Say: Help yourself to whatever’s in the kitchen.

What I Mean: Go ahead and munch on those fresh veggies, as my kids won’t touch them. The pasta is a safe bet too—I stock up on it daily since my daughter only eats that. But steer clear of the graham crackers; they’ve been in there forever. My son liked them for a hot minute before declaring them “gross.” And whatever you do, don’t even think about the hidden stash of chocolate behind the canned goods. I keep a close watch on that, and you’ll definitely not want to cross me on that front.

What I Say: Feel free to have a friend over.

What I Mean: Sure, if your friend happens to be a cleaning service! Do you know anyone who enjoys scrubbing dried yogurt off the walls, or maybe someone strong enough to lift the couch for a quick vacuum? You could even score a little bonus if you manage to figure out that funky smell coming from the toy box.

What I Say: She should be asleep the whole time you’re here.

What I Mean: “Should” is the key word here. My two-year-old should sleep soundly, dreaming of unicorns and rainbows. But likely, you’ll hear tiny knocks at her door every ten minutes, and when you check, she’ll cheerfully declare, “Me awake! Me play!” Of course, I hope you can get her back to bed, but I can’t promise you won’t have to endure a cacophony of “I’m not sleepy!” shrieks.

What I Say: Watch whatever you’d like on Netflix.

What I Mean: Feel free to pick something, but don’t judge my “Recently Watched” list. I spend my days helping cartoon characters, and once the kids are asleep, I’m ready for something decidedly less kid-friendly. If you see some darker titles, trust me, it’s just my way of surviving the colorful chaos.

What I Say: We shouldn’t be out too late.

What I Mean: It’s been ages since we had a night out, and we’re making the most of it! After dinner, a movie, and dessert, we might find ourselves parked outside a convenience store just to soak up some freedom. And who knows, we might even have an overnight bag in the trunk, ready for a spontaneous adventure. Do you have a weekly rate?

What I Say: Call me if you have any questions.

What I Mean: The only real question you should ask is how to reattach my son’s arm if he loses it. As long as he’s breathing and there’s no blood, I don’t need any updates. Seriously, don’t call about ice cream or the seventh drink of water request. You’re the babysitter; it’s your show now. Mama’s going out tonight!

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So there you have it—the whimsical world of babysitting instructions, where every phrase has a deeper meaning!