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The Illusion of Having It All
My partner, Eric, recently returned home from a busy day at work, excitedly sharing details about a case he’s handling. The Ninth Circuit had granted his client’s petition for rehearing, which means he gets to present before eleven judges in San Francisco. Super thrilling! Then he turned to me and asked about my day. “Oh, it was quite productive,” I replied. “I did three loads of laundry, took Mia to speech therapy, baked some cookies, and gave the baby a bath…”
Lately, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed by the repetitive nature of my days—the mundane tasks and seemingly trivial responsibilities are starting to weigh on me. I know I shouldn’t complain, right? As a stay-at-home mom, I’m expected to sing the praises of my life as a homemaker, and as a “mommy blogger” (if that’s what I am; I’m still figuring it out), I should be perfecting my photography skills to showcase how magical my life is.
But the truth is, I’ve been feeling more like a servant than a mother. Everyone in this house seems to want something from me all the time, and many of them frequently express dissatisfaction with what they receive. I’m here to serve, to listen, and not really to be heard. I’m just a pair of hands and ears.
Do I come off as bitter? Maybe I am. On one hand, I feel lucky to be home with my kids. I know not everyone has that opportunity, and there was a time when I couldn’t afford to stay at home either. On the other hand, I find myself questioning my choices lately. Were they really the best ones?
I recently read a book called Why Have Kids by Jessica Valenti. I couldn’t put it down, but it left me feeling a mix of anger and sadness. The book argues that motherhood isn’t the glorious experience it’s often portrayed to be. Can I get an Amen? It’s filled with monotony and hard work. Sure, there are moments of pure joy, but they’re rare enough to feel like special occasions. Most of the time, it feels thankless. I guess the true rewards come much later when the kids grow up into decent people. But let’s be real: if they turn out to be brats, do we take the blame? It’s a heavy burden.
Valenti also suggests we’ve been misled into thinking motherhood is the most important job in the world by a society that still wants to keep women at home, letting men run the show. I can see some truth in that. I’ve always been a strong advocate for breastfeeding, yet it’s important to remember that formula was developed partly to give women more freedom. Society may push breastfeeding, but it doesn’t exactly make it easy, especially for working mothers.
Is motherhood really the pinnacle of all jobs? That’s like saying, “Keeping this house I built, which no one asked me to build, is the most crucial job ever.” I’m simply raising the kids I chose to have; I’m not doing society any favors. Sure, one of my kids might grow up to do something amazing, and that would reflect well on me, but let’s be honest—most children will lead everyday lives and won’t leave a significant mark outside of their families.
And honestly, is doing laundry the best I can achieve? Am I impressing anyone with my ability to give baths? Motherhood doesn’t utilize my best skills; instead, it shines a light on my shortcomings and frustrations.
I’ve been wrestling with these thoughts for a while. It’s tough to express them without coming off as ungrateful or uncaring. I love my kids—they are my everything. And that’s what’s weighing me down. They are my entire world.
What happened to my sense of self? I didn’t realize that taking on this role would mean my identity would become entirely intertwined with that of my children. I am a mother; outside of that, I feel lost.
I sometimes think I should have had fewer kids or continued working, even part-time. Not only have I lost a part of myself, but I’ve also made myself financially dependent on Eric, which I vowed never to do after my first marriage ended. I sacrificed my earning potential. After being out of the workforce for a decade, it will be several more years before my youngest starts school, and by then, I’ll be in my 50s. The thought of re-entering the workforce is daunting.
It’s not only about money; what message am I sending to my daughters about independence? I’m starting to realize that I might not be the best role model for them. Maybe they’d appreciate me more if I weren’t always at their beck and call.
The reality is that the idea of women having it all is a myth. If you choose to stay home with your kids, you sacrifice independence and earning power, not to mention your sense of self. If you decide to work, you’re likely juggling an exhausting routine without the support you need to excel in either role.
So here I am, feeling stuck. I can’t be the only one feeling this way, can I?
For more insights on navigating parenthood, check out this post about home insemination options. And if you’re looking for a comprehensive guide, Make a Mom provides excellent resources on artificial insemination kits. For more information on pregnancy and fertility, consider listening to this podcast.
Summary:
In this reflective piece, Jenna shares her struggles with the expectations of motherhood, feeling overwhelmed by the daily grind and questioning her identity beyond being a mom. Although grateful for the opportunity to raise her children, she grapples with the sacrifices made in her career and independence. The article highlights the myth of “having it all” and the often unacknowledged challenges faced by stay-at-home moms.