I woke up the other day to find some strange horizontal lines across my forehead. Standing in front of the mirror, I tried to smooth them out. My partner, being the ever-supportive soul, chimed in, “Honey, you’re just getting old. Those are laugh lines. It means you’re happy, but yeah, you’re old.”
“I’m not feeling so happy right now. And, by the way, you’re losing hair!”
Seriously, did I just enter old age? I mean, I take care of my skin. I’m a VIP at my favorite beauty store—yes, Very Important Beauty. My latest splurge was on a fancy serum made with some sort of regenerative micro-algae. At $98, I expected my skin to feel like a teenager’s. Instead, I’ve got deep grooves above my brows and my boobs have decided to take a nose dive.
Let’s not even talk about how I used to be the youngest-looking one in the group. Now, I’ve got so many spandex layers on that I could star in my own workout video. But hey, at least I breathe when I sleep.
Then there’s the whole forgetting things part. Sure, it’s just small stuff, but it drives me nuts. Just yesterday, I wasted ten minutes searching for my phone while my kids were ready to go, backpacks packed, and busy tackling each other. “Stop hitting your brother! I can’t find my phone! QUIET!”
“Uh, Mom, your phone is in your hand.”
Ugh.
“Get in the car!”
“Mom, I think you’re getting old.”
“Get in the trunk!”
And let’s not forget the grey hairs. I’ve been dyeing my hair for years now. As a proud Italian/Ukrainian brunette, my first grey showed up early, and it was bold and wiry. I used to color my hair every six months, but now? My stylist practically lives at my house. And trust me, it’s not just the hair on my head that needs attention. Ladies, keep an eye on the other areas—things can get interesting down there too.
Eventually, you end up with what I like to call the “Triple Crown”—hair, carpet, and chin. Yes, the chin hairs are real, and they tend to show up like they own the place. I once grossed out my partner by showing him one. The look on his face was priceless.
And then there’s the whole sex situation. In my 20s and 30s, I was all about being spontaneous. But after having kids and dealing with menopause, let’s just say my libido took a nosedive. If you’re curious about what that does to your sex life, just Google it—trust me, you won’t want to search again. Plus, everything can feel a bit… dry. You do what you can, but sex becomes an event rather than a spontaneous moment. So, stock up on the essentials, lighten up, and maybe just skip the swinging from chandeliers thing—you might throw your back out!
Oh, and let’s talk about weight. Okay, I’ve packed on a few extra pounds. Some women seem untouched by the aging process, but for the rest of us? Our bodies change. That metabolism we had? Poof, gone. So, here’s the plan: embrace that extra bit of you or say goodbye to dessert and wine. But I’m not going to be sipping on kale smoothies. After all, I’ve made it through half a century and raised two kids. Pour me some wine and pass the cake, especially the corner piece.
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In summary, aging can feel like a rude awakening, but it’s all about embracing the changes and finding humor in the chaos. Whether it’s laugh lines or the occasional chin hair, we’re all navigating this wild ride together.