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Dear Little One
Hey there, little one,
I can’t express how much I long for you. I know that many women dream of having babies, but my desire for you is especially deep. I crave the feeling of your gentle movements inside me, the moment you’re placed on my chest, all fresh and screaming, and that instant rush of love that’s both extraordinary and everyday. I want to breathe in the sweet scent of your newborn head and snuggle into the delightful fragrance of your little neck. I yearn to carry you close, wrapped up against my heart. I want to witness the awe on your brothers’ faces as they meet you, hear their goofy nicknames, and feel their constant requests to hold you. I want you so much, it literally aches.
This longing is intense, especially as I watch friends announce their pregnancies, knowing that if I were to conceive now, you’d be just two years apart from each of your brothers. My heart aches for the certainty of having you with me.
But right now, it’s not our time. I have reasons—good, thought-out reasons that ultimately boil down to: someday, but not today. I recognize that my longing doesn’t compare to the heartache of those facing infertility. Many desperately want a child and can’t have one, while for us, it’s a different kind of pain—one of missed possibilities. We have the option to bring you into the world, yet we choose not to, and that choice weighs heavily on us.
This feeling of missing you is genuine; it’s not just a wave of hormones or a fleeting desire for a newborn. I know some might think I’m being irrational or just craving your babyhood, but it’s so much more than that. I miss the unique potential that you represent, not just as a baby, but as a whole person who would grow into childhood and beyond. Our family feels complete, yet there’s a piece that’s still missing. I love your brothers fiercely, but there’s still space in my heart for you.
I understand I should feel content with what I have, and I do—yet my mind says, “Not yet,” while my heart whispers, “Now, now, now.” So as the days go by and my friends share their joyful news, I’ll be here missing you. As the year progresses, past the dates when I conceived your brothers, I’ll wish for you. While friends discuss midwives, homebirths, and all that, I’ll think of you and this empty ache I feel.
One day, I won’t feel this longing anymore. One day, you will be here. Just not right now.
Resources for Further Exploration
If you’re interested in exploring more about home insemination, check out this post here. For more information on artificial insemination kits, you can visit Make A Mom’s site. And for an excellent resource on pregnancy and home insemination, take a look at this ACOG page.
In summary, I deeply desire to welcome you into our family, but for now, we’re choosing to wait. This longing is real and complex, and while I cherish what I have, I can’t help but feel the ache of missing you.