The High Maintenance Child Quiz

Once, I was out for dinner with friends who were refreshingly down-to-earth. The dad was a doctor and the mom was a publisher, yet they had no desire to live the Pinterest life. They had two kids, and their idea of fun was simple: “Go outside, dig in the dirt, catch a frog, build a fort.” They didn’t believe in video games or fancy playrooms designed by Yale grads. Their cozy home felt just right—not too big for a family of four. I admired their straightforward parenting style; their kids rode bikes, ate whatever was served, and said “please” and “thank you.”

One evening, our friend shared a story about his kindergarten son inviting a buddy over to play. When the friend arrived, he complimented their “adorable” home and asked, “Is this all of it?” Upon entering, he inquired, “Where’s the playroom?” to which their son replied, “I don’t have a playroom.” The friend then asked about the Wii, and again, the response was no. “We can play outside,” the little boy suggested.

As the evening went on, when dinner prep began, the friend asked, “What are you cooking?” The dad replied, “I’m grilling burgers and corn.” The child’s response was, “Oh, it’s Kobe beef, right? I can only eat Kobe beef.” To which the dad responded, “Nope, just Costco ground chuck.” And just like that, the child was off the list of potential playdate partners.

After that night, I warned my kids that there’s no quicker route to the “High Maintenance Child List” than being spoiled or rude. With that in mind, I created a questionnaire to make hosting other kids easier and more enjoyable.

Please indicate your child’s eating preferences:

a) Vegan
b) Gluten-free
c) Gluten and sugar-free
d) Dairy and gluten-free, but meat is fine
e) Nut-free, dairy-free, gluten okay
f) Will eat anything as long as it doesn’t touch on the plate
g) Only drinks soda, even if it’s not available
h) Will eat any food as long as it’s colorless and has no condiments

For Sleepovers—What should I know?

a) Your child wakes up at 5 AM and expects a full breakfast and entertainment at that hour.
b) Your child needs back rubbing to sleep, so I better prepare for some serious massage time.
c) Your child is such a healthy eater that if I let them eat pizza, I should expect a 4 AM emergency.
d) Your child has never slept in their own bed, so I’d better prepare for a midnight visitor.

With Pets in the House, how should I prepare?

a) Your child is allergic to cats but fine with dogs.
b) Your child loves cats but fears dogs.
c) Your child is allergic to both, so I should board all pets.
d) Your child’s allergies require a full house air filtration system running for 24 hours before the playdate.

What toys should I have ready?

a) Legos, but no sets, as directions kill creativity.
b) Legos, please ensure every piece is included and the directions are available.
c) American Girl Dolls with full wardrobes and a hairdresser station are a must.
d) Any toy is acceptable, as long as it’s not made in China.

Regarding TV and Movies:

a) Your child may watch PG-13 if there’s no bad language; violence is okay.
b) Your child can watch PG-13 as long as there’s no violence or strong language.
c) Your child cannot watch TV at all; studies show this could affect their IQ.
d) Your child can watch anything; they have three older siblings, so just keep them safe, please!

What activities would your child enjoy?

a) Your child enjoys baking gluten-free cupcakes with trendy decorations.
b) Your child wants to make short films and may need high-tech gear.
c) Your child prefers board games, and you’ll send the adjusted rules for their favorites.
d) Your child loves the arts and will provide a list of acceptable mediums.

What household rules should I follow?

a) Food and drinks should be allowed everywhere to prevent low blood sugar.
b) Plastic covers need to be on all furniture since kids get upset if told not to touch things.
c) All breakables should be stored away to protect delicate spirits.
d) An indoor jungle gym should be set up, and stairs are for fun, not for going upstairs.

P.S. A huge thank you to all the moms who shared their kids’ quirks for this post, and to my kids for being great subjects of my humor.

P.P.S. Just to clarify, this is all in good fun!

If you enjoyed this post, you might also like to check out our other blog about home insemination kits. For those looking for reliable products, Cryobaby’s home insemination syringe kit is a great resource. And for more in-depth information, consider visiting the CDC’s page on assisted reproductive technology.

In summary, navigating the world of parenting can be both entertaining and challenging. With a little humor and a checklist, we can all make playdates a bit more manageable.