50 Shades of Breastfeeding: The Hidden Struggles of Every Nursing Mother

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Updated: November 9, 2020
Originally Published: March 9, 2015

As I sat there, getting smacked in the face by my adorable little one, it dawned on me: I wasn’t just breastfeeding; I was unwittingly part of a bizarre BDSM relationship. If you’ve ever nursed, these experiences may sound all too familiar…

1. The Boob Smackdown: Your baby decides that smacking your breasts is the perfect way to express their impatience, preferably in the middle of a crowded store or church.
2. The Leg Crusher: When your sweet little angel wants to stand up while nursing, those tiny toes dig into your thighs like they’re trying to create a masterpiece of bruises.
3. The Acrobat Attack: This move combines the flexibility of infancy with a knack for chaos. It includes variations like the roundhouse kick to your face while maintaining their latch, and the quick jab to your ear just as they pop off.
4. “I-Can’t-Believe-They’re-Not-Sharp” Play: Those tiny fingernails become miniature daggers, digging into your skin, especially right at the nipple for maximum “Ow! Seriously?!”
5. The Tantric Nursing Ritual: This form of torture ignores your cracked nipples or your aching back, demanding endless hours of nursing, Netflix, and a hefty dose of nipple cream.
6. The Head Smash: Too eager to wait for a proper latch, your baby crashes their head into your chest, nursing like you’ve suddenly sprouted a third nipple. Those marks can stick around for days.
7. The Nipple Vacuum: Instead of a gentle suckle, your baby attempts to suck out your very soul. If you dare to break the latch, get ready for a round of boob slaps in protest.
8. The Headbutt: A classic move to ensure you get the milk flowing quickly. Your little one will slam their head toward your breast, often with a surprising amount of force, until you finally comply.
9. The Power Play: Older infants have mastered this move, refusing to nurse just to see you squirm, making milk spraying everywhere a possibility. Talk about power dynamics!
10. The Little Biter: Self-explanatory. Your baby will act all remorseful when you yell in pain, but don’t be fooled—they’ll do it again in a heartbeat just to keep you on your toes.

Hang in there, mamas. If you want to read more about some of the challenges of breastfeeding, check out this post on our blog. Also, for anyone exploring home insemination, resources like this one can be incredibly helpful. And if you’re looking for a reliable artificial insemination kit, this site has got you covered.

In summary, breastfeeding can often feel like a chaotic ride, filled with unexpected challenges and surprising moments of pain and humor. Remember, you’re not alone in this journey!