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When Mom Brings Home the Paycheck, and the Health Insurance
There I was, stuck in a job I wasn’t too fond of, all because I knew from the get-go that I’d probably be the main breadwinner in our relationship. (I really dislike the term “breadwinner”—and it’s not just because of gluten.) I slogged through that job to turn my time and dignity into a paycheck that covered our rent, groceries, and bills. I remember one particularly sparkly spring morning when I found myself envious of how my partner, Max, got to laze around, follow his whims, and watch terrible daytime TV while figuring out his next career move. At that time, he was in the “figuring things out” phase after his teaching gig in Pennsylvania wrapped up. He had just moved to New York and was juggling job applications while also considering building bookcases for extra cash.
One day, as we sat in his double-parked truck—because in NYC, you have to keep moving during marital disputes—I asked him, “Would you take a job you hated just to get benefits for us?” When he said No, I must have looked so furious and disappointed that it probably shocked him into tears. It was a rough morning (at least we dodged a parking ticket!), but it brought some clarity. I realized I couldn’t just sit around waiting for him to secure any job. So, not long after, what began as a favor to a friend turned into him starting a small business crafting cabinets.
Fast forward ten years, and Max’s income would be decent—if only we lived somewhere other than the pricey NYC. This city is where my industry thrives, where his clientele is, and, unfortunately, it’s not enough to support a family of three. So, every career move I make comes with the added weight of considering salary and benefits. (Just so you know, I’ve yet to meet anyone who’s gone freelance with a family and found a good deal through Obamacare.) Most days, I handle it well—Max’s self-employment gives at least one of us the flexibility to manage school and childcare—but then there are those four times a year when I get stuck in a funk about it.
It’s a lot to carry—especially when the company I work for is announcing layoffs to boost profits. I can’t help but think about friends whose partners are in banking or law. Why do they even bother working if they don’t need the money or insurance? (Sure, I know many find fulfillment in their jobs, but that still doesn’t compare to the joy of catching an old episode of Law & Order at 11:30 a.m. on a Tuesday.) Alongside those feelings, I also wonder if men felt this way back when women stayed home. Did my dad ever feel trapped by the hungry mouths behind him—my mom and my sisters? Eventually, my mom did take a job to stash away some spending money, but my dad didn’t deal with the day-to-day of family life while also chasing a paycheck. I’m the one juggling work, benefits, and making sure our daughter gets to the dentist, attends birthday parties with trendy gifts, and gets her nails trimmed (which let’s be real, I do very rarely).
I find solace in connecting with other women facing the same challenges. No matter where I work, there are always a few of us. We chat around our desks, daydreaming about what life would be like if we married someone wealthy or, at the very least, someone with great benefits like those offered by some non-profits. Typically, one of my colleagues will mention going back to school or starting a small side hustle like flower arranging or cupcake baking. Honestly, my dream job would be joining Max in his wood shop, where I could learn a skill and create something tangible (and possibly splintery) while having a job that doesn’t eat away at my soul.
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In summary, navigating the complexities of being the primary breadwinner while supporting a family can feel overwhelming, especially in an expensive city like New York. It’s a balancing act of work, benefits, and family responsibilities, often leading to feelings of frustration and envy. But finding camaraderie with other women in similar situations can make it all a bit easier.