Let’s face it: the parenting experience you read about on BabyCenter is a far cry from what most of us deal with in real life. It’s like comparing a fairy tale to a gritty drama. Here’s a lighthearted glossary to help new parents navigate the wild world of parenting, which might not be as picture-perfect as those articles suggest.
Attachment Parenting
This is what you do when you’re too exhausted to entertain your second (or third) child, so you just strap them into a Moby Wrap and hope they don’t start crying. See: Co-sleeping.
Bath Time
For your first child, it’s a serene affair with baby massages and soft lullabies—definitely filmed for posterity. By the second or third, it’s a rushed process that happens only when the preschool teacher gives you a judgmental look.
Babysitters
For the firstborn, you hire someone with impressive credentials and high expectations. For the rest, it’s just someone who you hope isn’t a secret drug addict.
Co-sleeping
This is how you manage to sleep in a little longer in the mornings while still receiving accolades for “taking care of the baby all night.” See Attachment Parenting.
Date Night
This usually translates to a trip to Home Depot, where you convince someone to babysit for a quick meal that’s mostly filled with mundane chatter. Spoiler alert: it’s not really a date and definitely not a “night.” Don’t expect any romance.
Exercise
You might not see a gym until you realize that strapping your kids into a jogging stroller is the only way to prevent them from wreaking havoc in your house.
A platform for showcasing the life you wish you were living, filled with happy moments and smiling faces.
Father’s Day
A day where you get pampered by your spouse—only if you keep your mouth shut about really wanting some peace and quiet away from the kids. See: Sex.
Flashcards
Those educational tools you keep tripping over, which are too flat to easily discard, and tossing them out would mean admitting defeat.
Fun
The rare moment you get to be alone (thanks to a stomach bug) while your partner takes the kids out, allowing you to binge-watch Netflix guilt-free.
House
A money pit that you watch your kids turn into a disaster zone every single day.
Mom’s Night Out
A chance to secretly commiserate with other moms about how overwhelmed you all feel while sipping a mojito.
Money
What you earn only to spend on toys that end up gathering dust and activities that leave you questioning your sanity. Also includes college funds for kids who can’t even talk yet.
Mother’s Day
A day where you’re expected to do everything you normally do but with a smile, while also hanging out with your own mother, who likely has opinions about your parenting. And yes, this is when your husband is most likely to disappoint you with a gift.
Organic Food
Something you splurge on between all the junk you let your kids consume.
Playdate
An obligatory gathering designed to make you feel better about how much screen time your kids get. See also: TV.
Pregnancy
The first time around, it’s everything. By the second, it’s just a memory that gets overshadowed by comments about how enormous you look.
Preschool
You pretend to choose based on research and data, but really, it’s just the one that’s conveniently located between your job and the gym.
Reading
The first child picks it up early, the second learns at school, and by the third, it’s all about the GED classes.
Siblings
Seemed like a brilliant idea when you were planning, but now? Not so much when they’re at each other’s throats.
Sex
See Co-sleeping. Thank goodness you’re too tired to care. But don’t worry—Father’s Day will be here before you know it.
Sleep-training
The smartest thing you can do, provided you’re one of the rare few who can stick to it.
Toddler
A tiny, chaotic creature that somehow manages to make you question your own intelligence.
Trying to Conceive
For the first baby, it’s all about frequent romantic encounters; for the second, it’s more like a miracle if it happens at all (see Co-sleeping, Sex).
TV
Before your first child, you swore they would never watch it. Fast forward to multiple kids, and you start to panic when the remote goes missing for even a few minutes.
Wonder Weeks
BabyCenter calls it a time for cognitive growth, while parents just wonder why they didn’t wait a few more years to have kids and enjoy their weekends in peace. Spoiler: these two “wonder weeks” often overlap.
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In summary, the differences between what parenting is portrayed as and what it truly is can be quite stark. The whimsical notions found on platforms like BabyCenter can often be very different from the reality many parents face day-to-day.