Mom-PAA Ratings: A Fresh Take on Kids’ Movie Ratings That Actually Makes Sense

Back in my childhood, every family-friendly flick boasted a G rating. The G stood for “good,” “golly-gosh,” or, as grandmothers would say, “totally approved!” A PG rating meant you might hear a character drop a “damn” or see a belly button. Meanwhile, an R rating usually involved some colorful language from actors like Dustin Hoffman or an actress wearing something sheer.

Fast forward to today, and G ratings are practically extinct. PG ratings provide minimal guidance for parents trying to figure out if a movie is suitable for their kids. I think it’s high time for a revamped MPAA rating system. Here are some new ratings that could be much more helpful for parents:

ML—Mother Lives

How many Disney flicks kick off with a parent’s tragic demise? Moms often get the short end of the stick. The new ML rating lets parents know that the mom (or even the dad) will make it through the film unscathed, preventing late-night existential crises from curious little ones.

ST—Spinal Tap

This movie’s sound effects are cranked up to 11. Don’t forget to bring earplugs or noise-canceling headphones if you’re sensitive to loud noises!

EM—Explicit Merchandising

This film comes with a ton of tie-in products: an app, a video game, a character-themed lunchbox, and even light-up sneakers. If you just decked out your kid’s room in “Big Hero 6” gear, you might want to hold off on this new release until it hits Redbox. That’ll give you a breather from the relentless merchandising onslaught.

VS—Viral Song

This movie’s soundtrack could create the next “Let It Go” or, heaven forbid, another “Under the Sea.” Sure, “The Little Mermaid” has catchy tunes, but just wait until you meet an adult haunted by the lyrics years later.

BBT—Bird and Bees Talk

If your child still thinks babies come from storks or that a magic angel made Mom’s belly grow, be warned: this film might spark some tough questions. But if your kid rides the school bus, they’ve likely already had a crash course in the facts of life from older kids.

O-12—Obnoxious 12-Year-Old

At least one character will remind you of Bart Simpson or Eric Cartman. If they have a catchphrase (like Nelson Muntz’s infamous “Ha ha!”), prepare for it to be repeated endlessly at home. Any silly stunts or fart jokes? You can bet they’ll be reenacted on the car ride back.

CP—Creepy Puppets

Nothing rattles a child’s imagination quite like a creepy puppet. My son was genuinely unsettled by the puppet in Spielberg’s classic about a beloved alien. Kids tend to react to puppets with a primal fear of “things that shouldn’t move but do.”

NTON—Not Tatum O’Neal

Reboots are everywhere, but nothing beats the original. Remember the 2005 version of Bad News Bears? Walter Matthau as Coach Buttermaker is a classic. Plus, let’s not forget the iconic Jodi Foster in Freaky Friday—true childhood crush material!

A quick reminder: many of the kids’ movies we loved back in the day would now be rated PG-13. So, if you’re feeling nostalgic about that classic flick, maybe check it out again. Did you forget about the part in Bad News Bears where Tanner drops an F-bomb? Add a TW—Tanner Warning—to your list of considerations!

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In summary, it’s high time we revamped the movie rating system for kids. With these new ratings, parents can navigate the film world with a bit more clarity and humor, while also preparing for what might come up in conversation with their little ones.