Unwanted Parenting Tips from Non-Parents and My Ideal Comeback

So, there I was at a work conference in Portland, enjoying a catered lunch when a non-parent, upon discovering I have a daddy blog, decided it was the perfect moment to share their “expert” parenting advice. As they rambled on, I found my mind drifting, thinking about all the unsolicited tips I’ve heard from people who have never changed a diaper. Here’s how I wish I could respond.

“Don’t let them eat in the car. Then it will not be a mess. Problem solved.”

Oh really? Have you ever tackled a 20-minute drive with a wailing toddler desperate for a snack? Imagine a mobile version of hell, where tiny humans are screaming for graham crackers and poking each other nonstop. After enduring that daily for years, you’ll find yourself doing whatever it takes to maintain a semblance of peace, even if it means handing over snacks that will inevitably end up lodged in the seats. Sometimes, the backseat feels like a prison yard, and if that involves distributing fruit snacks, so be it.

“Your kids wouldn’t be such picky eaters if you didn’t give them any other option.”

Really? When was the last time you served dinner to adult friends who viewed your cooking like it was a dark abyss? I’d love to see you try to get a kid to take even one bite of a burrito, only to watch them gag and cry. It’s not just about being strict or offering choices; it’s an exhausting battle at every meal that makes me want to serve nothing but mac and cheese.

“If you really loved your kids, you wouldn’t let them eat at McDonald’s.”

If you had kids, you’d know how absurd that statement is. McDonald’s is practically an unavoidable force. I despise it, but kids love it just like you adore your daily coffee fix. Sometimes, it’s just easier to succumb to the fast-food gods, even if I hate every greasy bite.

“You need to stop letting your children control your life.”

What does that even mean? Does that imply I should leave them in the backyard with a bowl of water and a bag of chips? Or maybe I should take them out barefoot because I can’t be bothered to find their shoes? Being a parent means my kids are my world, and if I didn’t focus on them, that could lead to serious neglect. Trust me, my full investment in their lives is what keeps them from wreaking havoc everywhere.

“I don’t understand why you are so tired all the time. Just tell your kids to go back to bed.”

Oh, sure. And then what? Tie them to their beds? Telling kids to go back to bed is like trying to convince a cat to stop sitting on your lap. Last time I told my daughter to return to bed at 5 a.m., she threw a fit that woke up everyone else in the house. Suddenly, we were all up and cranky, ready to argue over breakfast.

“My dogs have the same problem. I just make sure they know who’s the boss.”

Did you just compare your dogs to my kids? Listen, I get that you love your pets, but kids are not dogs. They may both destroy your carpet, but kids are far more complex and can’t just be left alone without consequences. Parenting isn’t just about setting rules; it’s about navigating countless little challenges and adjustments over years. So, please, spare me the comparisons.

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In summary, unsolicited parenting advice from non-parents can often miss the mark, failing to grasp the complexities of raising children. Every parent’s journey is unique, and sometimes you just have to smile and nod while dreaming of a world where snacks in the car and picky eaters are just part of the job.