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Next of Kin: Caring for My Adult Sister
You know, my mom and I don’t make light of Willow Grove Home anymore, but it’s not that we think my sister will be moving there anytime soon. It’s just that we’ve come to realize she might never find the peace to enjoy a community life with others. She’s always too busy looking after my sister.
Growing up, my parents were huge fans of the singer-songwriter, James Taylor. His greatest hits would play on repeat in our living room. Whenever “Sweet Baby James” came on, my younger sister, Lily, would twirl around, doing her own interpretation of a dance. The adults would coo, “So adorable!” as my mom played the record and Lily spun and waved her arms.
Now in her 40s, she’s known as Lila and still loves to dance, often at a local karaoke bar near her home with her husband and young son. Most nights, she stays out until the early hours, enjoying drinks, smoking, and dancing her heart out. As the seasons change, her need to move—really, any kind of movement—grows stronger, especially as her bipolar disorder intensifies.
At 12, I was a sheltered girl; my mom kept me busy with violin lessons and church activities. I didn’t have much of a social life and was oblivious to how other families functioned. My mom, being part of the second generation of her family born in the US, created a bubble of familiarity that I now recognize as a remnant of our immigrant background: “We understand each other; let’s stick together.”
One afternoon, I stumbled upon Lila banging her head against the bedpost, sobbing uncontrollably. “The animals!” she cried out. “They’re killing all the animals!” Confused and tired after school, I tried to comprehend what was happening—the noise, the tears, the distressing look on her face. I wanted to go downstairs to find our mom, but I didn’t know what to say.
Mental illnesses often don’t follow a clear trajectory. We still call it “mental illness” rather than just “illness” because conditions like depression, schizophrenia, and bipolar disorder frequently accompany personality disorders that don’t have physical manifestations. These personality issues can’t be treated with medications alone; they require therapy, and the person must be willing to participate.
Over the years, I’ve learned a lot about mental health issues, as has my mom. She’s involved with the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), attending meetings and workshops, and she researches ways to support children of parents with bipolar disorder. Even though she knows she’ll always care for Lila, she also recognizes her daughter is now an adult. Lila has her son, her grandson, my nephew—who still needs that nurturing.
And then there’s my brother-in-law, a good guy and a loving dad, but his own struggles make it hard for him to navigate Lila’s chaos. Last year, they filed for divorce but haven’t finalized it, mainly so Lila can keep the health insurance through his job. They’ll probably end up divorcing for real in the next few years.
That leaves me—the one most likely to step in if something happens to my mom. Ignoring these realities doesn’t help anyone, nor does pretending my sister’s current turmoil isn’t happening. I may not be legally Next of Kin, but in our small family, I’m Next in Line.
Lila has transitioned from a lively little girl to a middle-aged woman grappling with serious mental health challenges. Often, as fall approaches, she shifts from her manic episodes to deep depression, sending out awkward apologies and retreating into her home. My mother devotes nearly all her time to Lila and her family; this has become her community.
As spring arrives and the flowers begin to bloom, so does Lila’s next manic phase. I sometimes wish my mom could be tending to a garden at Willow Grove Home, but instead, she kneels in front of Lila’s house, digging for what she hopes is healthy soil.
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Summary:
This piece reflects on the complexities of caring for an adult sibling with mental illness. The author shares personal experiences, highlighting the challenges and dynamics within the family. Over time, they’ve learned about mental health and the importance of support, while recognizing the shifting roles as everyone grows older.