3 Phrases to Avoid During Arguments

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Sometimes, a small disagreement—like whose turn it is to do the dishes—can spiral into a full-blown argument. Before you know it, you’re both saying hurtful things and feeling awful, often forgetting what started it all. My friend Lisa always says, “It’s not just what you say, it’s how you say it.” A slight change in tone or wording can turn a defensive response into a constructive conversation.

Psychologist Dr. Alan Greenberg has dedicated his career to finding ways to communicate that minimize conflict and enhance our relationships. Here are three phrases he recommends you steer clear of during an argument, along with more effective alternatives.

1. “The issue with you is that you’re…”
   It’s all too easy to label others, isn’t it? We’ve all been there—if your coworker gives you a tough assignment, they’re “unfair.” If someone cuts you off in traffic, they’re “a jerk.” And if your partner asks for more affection, they might be labeled as “clingy.” But these moral judgments only escalate conflict and put the other person on the defensive. Instead of saying, “The issue with you is that you’re lazy,” consider expressing your own needs by saying, “I need more help around the house.”
2. “You make me feel…”
   When someone’s actions upset us, our instinct is to say they “make us feel” a certain way. You might say, “You make me feel unappreciated” when they forget to thank you. However, it’s important to recognize that our feelings are our own. Instead of blaming them, try saying, “I feel unappreciated when my efforts go unnoticed.” This approach helps you take ownership of your emotions and opens the door for a more honest dialogue.
3. “You should…”
   We often slip into “should” language when others aren’t meeting our expectations. For example, “You should help out more with the chores.” This kind of phrasing usually comes off as demanding and can alienate the other person. Instead, try framing it as a request: “I would really appreciate it if you could help with the chores.” This makes it feel less like a reprimand and more like a genuine request for support.

What to Say Instead

When you’re in the heat of the moment, it’s easy to point fingers and focus on the other person’s shortcomings. But shifting the focus to your own feelings and needs can be a game-changer. Dr. Greenberg suggests a four-step approach to improve communication:

1. Observe without judgment: “It’s been a while since you did the dishes.”
2. Express how you feel: “When I have to handle all the housework alone, I feel overwhelmed.”
3. Communicate your needs: “I’d love to feel supported in our home.”
4. Make a request: “Could you help out with the housework more often?”

Of course, avoiding these pitfalls is easier said than done. When emotions run high, it’s tempting to react without thinking. The first step toward better communication is to pause, take a breath, and carefully consider your words before you speak.

For more on navigating relationships and effective communication, check out our other post about home insemination. Additionally, if you’re looking for guidance on artificial insemination, Make A Mom is a great resource. And for more information on family-building options, Resolve is an excellent place to start.

Summary

In arguments, wording matters. Avoid phrases that judge, blame, or demand, and instead focus on expressing your feelings and needs. This shift can lead to healthier communication and a more constructive resolution.