Am I Expecting or Just Battling Bad Chicken?

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Last Friday, I found myself unexpectedly throwing up. It hit me out of nowhere, and along with that, I had these annoying cramps that made me feel like I needed a serious nap. I canceled my evening plans, and then I got this text from my friend: “Maybe you’re pregnant! Or just ate some undercooked chicken. It’s a thin line between pregnancy and salmonella poisoning.”

YES. There is indeed a VERY thin line between the two, which is less than convenient, right? As someone who’s actively trying to conceive and who sometimes enjoys food from sketchy places (looking at you, food court), I can’t help but wonder what on earth Mother Nature was thinking when she set this all up. It’s almost like she’s playing a cruel joke on us. And as if that weren’t enough, she also made sure that the symptoms of PMS are almost identical. Hilarious, right?

Mother Nature, you can create stunning butterflies, which are delicate and beautifully intricate. Bravo on that! But you couldn’t figure out a more straightforward way to distinguish between the beginnings of life, food poisoning, and PMS? Really?

3 Minutes Inside My Head:

• I feel so bloated. These jeans are super tight. I must be pregnant!
• Oh wait, no. I just need to use the restroom. And honestly, these are a size 4—what was I thinking? Okay, not pregnant then. Definitely not.
• Why am I tearing up at this commercial? So emotional! I must be pregnant. But it really was a touching ad, right? Anyone would get teary-eyed!
• But these cramps feel off. This isn’t how my period usually feels. Or is it? Honestly, I can’t even remember what my period feels like anymore. But I absolutely know I don’t usually pee this much.
• Unless I’ve been drinking juice. Yeah, that always makes me run to the bathroom, so it could be that.
• But with all this peeing and sore breasts, I’m convinced I’m pregnant. Unless my bra is just too tight, which could explain it along with the juice.
• But that doesn’t account for this heightened sense of smell! Wow, I can smell everything! Sure, my partner is munching on garlic bread, which is strong, but not this strong. No one’s nose should be this sensitive. And I can’t believe how queasy I feel! Such a good sign!
• Unless it’s not, which it probably isn’t, since that cheese I had for lunch was a bit expired.

Since Mother Nature doesn’t seem to make things user-friendly, I’ve created a quick reference guide to help us figure out whether we’re pregnant, have food poisoning, or are just dealing with PMS.

Quick Reference Guide:

• Cramps can happen with implantation, PMS, or food poisoning.
• Bleeding may indicate either implantation or PMS.
• Vomiting can signal pregnancy or food poisoning.
• Constipation could mean pregnancy or just too many steak subs.
• Tender breasts can happen with both early pregnancy and PMS.
• A raised body temperature might suggest food poisoning or ovulation.
• Exhaustion can be a sign of illness, pregnancy, having a toddler, or just staying up too late binge-watching shows.
• Sore breasts could indicate pregnancy or just too much poking and prodding to figure it out.

I hope this helps you navigate the confusion! Now, come on, Mother Nature, get it together! We’re a bit puzzled, although I must say, your work with butterflies is truly impressive.

For more insights on home insemination and pregnancy, check out this helpful resource. If you’re considering fertility treatment, don’t miss this excellent guide for all the info you need. And for privacy matters, read more here.

Summary:

Navigating the signs of pregnancy, food poisoning, and PMS can be confusing, especially when symptoms overlap. This light-hearted piece reflects on the challenges of interpreting bodily signals while adding a bit of humor about Mother Nature’s design choices. With a handy reference guide included, readers can better distinguish between their symptoms and find support through resources related to home insemination and fertility treatment.