My Kids Are 24 Years Apart, and the Internet Has Derailed My Maternal Instincts

There’s a staggering 24-year gap between my eldest daughter, Emma, and my twin girls, Lily and Mia. Yes, you read that correctly—twenty-four years, not months. I welcomed Emma into the world when I was just 18, and after she left for college, I thought, “Why not start over?” So, at 42, I became a mother again. (Fun fact: Emma is now a mother herself, which briefly made me a pregnant grandma. But that’s a tale for another time.) I raised Emma in the ‘90s and now navigate parenthood with my twins in the 2010s.

When people discover that I’ve essentially raised two generations of kids, their first question (after the incredulous “What were you thinking?”) is, “What’s the biggest difference between then and now?” The answer is simple: the internet, which has, unfortunately, obliterated my maternal instincts.

The first time around, I didn’t crack open a single parenting book or article. I relied almost solely on my instincts, however questionable they were. My own mother was my primary source of advice, often delivered around a cloud of smoke from her Capri cigarettes. Sure, her advice was sometimes questionable, but hey, I turned out mostly fine, right? I didn’t have many alternatives. It was just her wisdom and my instincts. Amazingly, despite everything, Emma blossomed into a wonderful young woman contributing positively to society.

The second round of motherhood was a totally different ballgame. I thought, “Wow, I have the internet at my fingertips! What a treasure trove of information!” I dove headfirst into the virtual world before the twins were even born, spending hours searching for things like “Why do my babies hiccup so much in the womb?” My instincts—or my mom—would’ve probably said, “You likely ate something spicy” or “They’re just exercising.” But Dr. Google had me convinced they were in grave danger with their cords wrapped around their necks. (True story: One day, I was in tears, nearly rocking myself into submission after one too many frantic searches.)

Despite my doctor’s warning to avoid the internet, I didn’t listen.

Once the twins arrived, things spiraled out of control. I researched obsessively, downloading a barrage of apps to track everything from feeding to diaper changes, milestones, and playdates. My ability to make decisions without consulting the internet vanished. By the time they turned 2 months old, I found myself paralyzed by information overload. My instincts had all but disappeared, and I questioned whether I even had them anymore.

To be fair, the internet isn’t all bad. I’ve connected with fantastic twin moms, scored a running stroller for a steal on Craigslist, and managed to keep in touch with my mom, who lives miles away. But the judgment, conflicting information, and terrifying “what-ifs” can easily spiral anyone into a whirlwind of anxiety. Eventually, I realized I needed to step back and breathe. Once I did, I discovered that there’s a balance somewhere in between. If you want to preserve your maternal instincts amid the digital chaos, here are some tips:

1. Ignore the Judgment.

I was blissfully unaware of terms like “mommy wars” or “mom shaming” until my pregnancy led me down the internet rabbit hole. Sure, judgmental folks have always existed, but back in the day, they were limited to relatives like Great Aunt Mary, who would offer unsolicited advice like, “In my day, we let babies cry it out!” Now, that same voice echoes on the internet, louder than ever. Remember, no one has all the answers—we’re all just trying to figure this out together.

2. Acknowledge Conflicting Information.

The internet bombards you with contradictory advice: “Wear your baby all the time!” vs. “Don’t wear them too much, or they’ll be dependent.” “Co-sleeping is great!” vs. “Never co-sleep!” It’s maddening. Trust me, I’ve tried it all. What works for one family may not work for another. Find what suits you and your family, and disregard the rest.

3. Don’t Dwell on the Catastrophic What-Ifs.

Once you start seeking answers, it’s easy to spiral into worst-case scenarios. I once convinced myself that a tiny spot on my baby’s cheek meant she needed surgery. While I acknowledge that serious conditions exist, this was not one of those cases. If you have concerns, limit your searches and consult your doctor.

4. Avoid the Comments Section.

Seriously, steer clear of comments sections. They’re a vortex of judgment and conflicting opinions. Countless hours of my life have slipped away after reading through them, leaving me disoriented and frustrated—like waking up after a rough night of questionable decisions. Nothing good ever comes from diving into the comments.

5. Trust Your Gut.

This is the toughest one. It’s easy to second-guess yourself and look for validation. When in doubt, reach out to your trusted support network for opinions. But don’t underestimate your intuition—it’s there for a reason!

I still look things up online occasionally. Just today, I searched for “quick and easy craft ideas for toddlers.” However, I’ve learned to take everything I read with a grain of salt. More often than not, I rely on my gut. And yes, I still call my mom for advice. Even though it’s been ages since she raised a baby, her wisdom resonates. I can almost hear her taking a drag from her Capri before saying, “Honey, they’re just going through a phase. Trust your instincts.” It might sound simplistic, but it reassures me. I know my girls will thrive, both because of and despite me. My instincts, like my mother’s advice, come from a place of love, and that’s what truly matters.

For more insights into parenting, check out this informative post on the importance of maternal instincts and consider visiting CDC’s pregnancy resources for reliable information. If you’re looking to boost fertility, Make A Mom’s fertility boosters for men are worth exploring.

In summary, while the internet can often feel overwhelming, finding a balance between seeking information and trusting your instincts is key to navigating parenthood successfully.