That pungent patchouli scent, mixed with artisanal soaps that smell like cilantro and the paper of countless second mortgages, can knock even the worst head cold for a loop. But when it comes to the latest diet fads, that place has everything you could possibly want. They always have some golden nugget of wisdom to share, typically about my food choices: why I consume what I consume, why I sip on what I sip, and why I might eat who I eat. Not actual people, of course! But these sales reps seem to think bacon has feelings. Bacon is amazing. Those cartoon pigs? Pure fiction. Please don’t try to shame me out of bacon!
Too late. Ugh.
I get it, obesity is a serious issue, but I tried explaining to the sales gal that knives can be dangerous too, and that’s when they kindly escorted me out. Not before I managed to snag their pamphlets, their advice, and that terrible smell so I could experiment with all their diet tips on my own family.
Here’s what I discovered while test-driving all the latest diet crazes:
- Clean Eating: If “clean eating” means I consume whatever leftovers my kids leave on their plates while I clean up the kitchen, then yes, I’ve been a clean eater for ages. I’m sure you can relate.
- Juice Fast: It’s when my little one refuses anything except those sugary Capri Sun pouches. He’s like a pint-sized version of Gandhi, but instead of fasting for peace, he’s just angry because the sky is purple one day.
- Gluten-Free: If I can whip up a dinner without having to move from my comfy spot on the couch, it’s officially “gluten-free.”
“Hey, kiddo, how about some microwave popcorn, pickles, and a can of spam for dinner?”
“Sure, buddy! Gluten-free it is!” - Plant-Based: While I indulge in cheesy scrambled eggs with bacon, I just pretend it’s all quinoa, kale chips, and raw beets. Let’s be real—if I can’t convince my kids to eat steak because it’s red, there’s no way they’re touching beets. Those things are Lady Macbeth-red!
- 21-Day Fix: This one’s our go-to. It’s when I cook dinner for 21 days straight, and no one takes a single bite. We also call it the “Pizza Hut Fix”—did you know that stuff is gluten-free too? I just sit back and let it come to me!
- Paleolithic Diet: This is when my kids use dinosaur figurines as utensils to feed themselves chicken nuggets and mac and cheese. Meanwhile, I’m enjoying a big glass of wine from a T-Rex cup. Roar!! I’m pretty sure Katy Perry was inspired by me.
- Breatharian Diet: My kids are all about this one since it means they don’t have to eat anything! But after hours of begging for candy, they eventually realize meatloaf sounds a lot better than starving.
If you’re interested in more insights on this topic, check out our other blog post here. And speaking of home insemination, here’s a great resource for more information: Make a Mom.
In summary, navigating diet fads can be quite the adventure! From “clean eating” to “breatharian diets,” the ups and downs of family meals can turn into a comedic journey. Balancing healthy choices with the realities of parenting is no easy feat, but it certainly makes for some entertaining stories.