“Your baby needs to learn a lesson!”
Why do so many people feel they have a better grasp on parenting than you do? I may not be a flawless mother, but I trust my gut instincts when it comes to my child. While parenting advice often contradicts what feels right, I have to wonder: is it just me? (As a side note, my instincts definitely didn’t stop me from getting into the tub with a baby who had the stomach flu. Where’s the advice for that situation?)
My biggest frustration these days is the idea of “teaching my baby a lesson.” My 10-month-old is, well, still a baby. Babies don’t need lessons—unless they involve how to make a perfect cup of coffee or pop open a bottle of wine. What they need is to grow, explore, play, and yes, occasionally stop trying to bathe with the dog.
Recently, our family was hit hard by the stage of separation anxiety. Just when I thought I had this parenting gig down, my little one started crying at the mere sight of me heading for the door. It’s draining. I’m all touched out and have little left to give.
During our nine-month checkup, the pediatrician noted that my baby was physically healthy and seemed happy. I was proud as she asked if he was crawling and pulling up—check and check! But then came the question that sent my heart racing: “Is he sleeping through the night?”
I explained that while he stays asleep once he finally dozes off, getting him to bed can be quite a process. Before I could finish, she jumped in with, “You need to let him cry it out.”
I asked if she had any gentler suggestions, and she nudged me to try the cry-it-out method. Out of sheer desperation, we gave it a shot, and let me tell you, my instincts were screaming as he cried for fifty-eight minutes straight. I finally went back in to find a sweaty, terrified baby. Never again!
Her next suggestion shocked me: “He won. You need to teach him that you won’t come back if he cries. If he gets so upset that he vomits, just clean it up. It’s normal. He won’t remember. He has to learn you won’t give in.”
Did she really just say my child needed to learn that I wouldn’t return no matter how much he cried? My mission is to ensure he knows I will always come back for him.
I shared with her the research indicating that babies left to cry can experience heightened cortisol levels, which can change their brain chemistry over time. She dismissed my concerns, saying, “When he’s 9 or 10 years old, this will be your memory, not his. He won’t remember.”
But how does that make it acceptable? Just because he won’t remember doesn’t mean I shouldn’t care for him now.
Fast forward to yesterday. Anxiety hit hard as I had to leave him to get some work done. He usually adapts well, but that day was different. His cries were filled with sheer terror as I walked out the door. I could hear him screaming outside, and when I returned, he refused to eat and was utterly exhausted from worry. I can’t change the fact that I need to leave sometimes, but I can change how others perceive this anxiety.
“It’s good for him to cry.”
“You’ve spoiled him.”
“He won’t learn to be independent.”
“He’ll be too attached.”
The list goes on. This type of separation anxiety often kicks in when babies begin to crawl, a natural phase meant to keep them close to their caregivers. It’s exhausting for us, especially for moms, but it’s part of their development.
If you’re facing this too, know it’s not your fault. We must stop letting society dictate how we parent and trust our instincts. You’re the mom; you know best.
Consider how you would comfort an older child afraid of the dark. You wouldn’t lock them in a dark room and leave them to scream. You’d reassure them, show them there’s nothing to fear, and help them gradually face their fears. This anxiety is a stage they will outgrow.
I don’t expect anyone to thrust a snake into my hands to help me “get over it.” The best way to support our little ones is to show them that we’re there for them. Teach them they can rely on you, and they’ll eventually gain confidence in themselves. We need to drop the notion of “teaching them a lesson” and heed our instincts instead. You’ve got this, Mama!
For more insights on parenting and home insemination, visit here. And if you’re looking for essential resources on pregnancy, check out this link. You can also find valuable information on self-insemination techniques at this site.
Summary
Parenting advice can be overwhelming, especially when it comes to teaching babies to self-soothe. It’s essential to trust your maternal instincts and recognize that separation anxiety is a normal developmental stage. Rather than forcing babies to learn through crying, we should nurture their emotional needs and reassure them that we will always come back. Embrace your role as a mother and know that you know your child best.