The Toughest Part of Being a New Mom

home insemination Kit

So there I was, 28, married to my high school sweetheart, a published writer, and teaching part-time at a university in New York City. Life was pretty great, and I thought, why not have a baby?

But oh, the things they never tell you about motherhood! It’s not just the basics, like how no parenting book is going to perfectly fit your situation—you’ll have to mix and match advice until you find what works for you. Or the overwhelming love you feel for your little one, which often comes hand in hand with the urge to escape it all. And let’s not even get started on how the exhaustion in those first few months completely defies description; even when your baby finally sleeps through the night, you’ll never sleep the same way again.

But more than anything, it’s about your identity. In an instant, you transform from being someone with a multitude of roles—partner, professional, creative soul—to simply being “MOTHER.” And that label, at least initially, overshadows everything else, whether you’re ready for it or not.

Then comes the challenge of reconciling this new reality while juggling diaper changes, dealing with the chaos of motherhood, and functioning on a few hours of fragmented sleep. This transformation—this entire identity shift—is what seems to be the hardest part for new moms. I see it every time a friend steps into motherhood and I lived it deeply in my own early years.

I remember the moment, sitting on the couch with my newborn son, realizing that caring for him was all I wanted to do. But it wasn’t a clear-cut decision; it was a whirlwind of societal and personal pressure to return to my teaching job—after all, how could I give up something so prestigious? Yet, I soon discovered that my heart wasn’t in it anyway. I had to let go of the dream of being a tenured creative writing professor somewhere far away.

At the same time, I had to navigate how to spend as much time with my kids without going completely broke. And there were definitely people who didn’t get my choice to be a stay-at-home mom—oh, they made that abundantly clear! But I learned that it truly doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. Each mother will make the choices that suit her and her family best.

Meanwhile, I was nursing around the clock, not showering for days, dealing with the chaos of parenting, and did I mention the sleep deprivation? Breathe. Breathe.

Fast forward eight years since I first became a mom. I rarely had a moment to reflect on it all. But just the other day, while pushing my 2-year-old in a stroller on a lovely April morning, I felt a shift. I caught a glimpse of myself from the outside, thinking, “That’s a mom who’s found her groove.” And you know what? I kinda was.

I don’t believe there’s a one-size-fits-all guide to motherhood—I know my journey has been anything but typical. We’re all navigating our own paths, facing unique struggles, desires, and solutions.

I wish someone had told me it was normal to feel like the person I was before kids had crumbled into tiny shards. I wish I’d known that the love I felt for my child would be both beautiful and bewildering, making me feel scared and uncertain. I wish someone had reassured me that eventually, I would gather all those broken pieces and create something even more vibrant—a new version of myself that sparkles and shines.

Most importantly, I wish I’d known I would emerge from this journey intact, strong, and totally ready to embrace motherhood.

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In summary, the journey of motherhood is filled with unexpected challenges and profound joys. Embracing your new identity while managing the chaos can be tough, but it’s also incredibly rewarding. You’ll find your way, gather those pieces, and become a kick-ass mom who knows how to shine.